(no subject)

Stuff at home has been really tough lately. I don't want to go into the details of it, but my mom got into a huge problem with someone else and it lead to a really big discussion. Last night, when trying to fall asleep, I could hear my parents talking and my dad got really upset. I couldn't hear what my dad said fully, but I believe it was something like:

"If anything like this happens again, I'm going to leave far away. I don't care where."

And that's just... so harsh. And don't get me wrong, I firmly believe my parents would have been better off if they never married each other. But leaving in this context would include leaving me and my sister as well. Throughout the years, no matter how awful things get, I've always had the comfort that my parents care about me. I have never doubted their love for me, even if they haven't been the best parents.

But this really made me think, how much does he actually love me? Would he really leave just like that?

I don't know. It could be that he just said that in the heat of the moment. Here's the thing, it could be that he didn't say that at all and I entirely misheard, I genuinely have no way of knowing if he did or didn't say that, and it's driving me insane.

For my own peace of mind, I'm going to tell myself I heard wrong, and that if I didn't, he wasn't being sincere.

I feel tired of all this family trouble. When I look at all the people around me, my dad, my mom, my sister, they've all lead such troubled lives and it feels inescapable. Being the youngest, this has always been really scary. It's made me feel like I'm destined to never get better. Like suffering is in my blood.

Possible side effects with meds???

So a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally forgot to take my anxiety medication. In the middle of the night, I woke up with this big uncomfortable feeling in my chest and couldn't get back to sleep. I let my psychiatrist know about this, and she told me this was normal with this particularly medication if I stopped taking it suddenly.

Today I got the exact same feeling, except I did take my meds??? Not really sure what to make of this, but next time I see my psychiatrist I'll let her know? Hopefully this is just a one time thing but it's extremely odd.

(no subject)

It genuinely makes me sick to my stomach to see people paint the state of Israel as the victims when Palestinians have been living in the most horrifying conditions, when they are being murdered as we speak. There's children in Palestine. Are they terrorists too?

What the fuck is wrong with people like this? I need to stop keeping up with this situation, it causes me nausea, and dread and just... sadness. I want to cry and scream and I wish people would at least fucking bother doing the most basic research instead of falling for propaganda. Attempting to justify what is happening to Palestine is absolutely horrific.

I know I said I didn't want to discuss these subjects often, but this situation has been weighing on my mind, it's so mentally draining to think of something so devastating and knowing not much can be done on your end. I think I'm going to leave social media for a few days because it's just... so tiring, I can't stomach it any longer.

And please do not twist my words as "support for terrorism" or Hamas as an institution. The deaths of all those civilians were cruel and unnecessary. So the solution is for Israel to starve and bomb a city full of civilians?? Yay, collective punishment. If simply acknowledging that what's happening to Palestine is inhumane is somehow pro terrorism to you then maybe the problem isn't with me.