that good old fashioned razzmatazz

Ugh i feel so fucked up. Woke up with seveeeere anxiety. Saw something on tumblr that triggered it and I have to stop myself from thinking about it too much.

I woke up with a migraine today ughhh. I feel better now but I feel like I wasted so much of my day. I feel so stressed.

today was a bit better. i dissociated a little less and found myself more upbeat, although right now i feel very loopy. 

the existential thoughts keep getting to me. i get this feeling that i am a puppet on a show, that each of my actions has been written down and i am just going along with the script unwillingly. it sucks.

a friend recently told me, even if my whole life was already determined, i see my life through my eyes and not through the eyes of the universe. but i still feel so freaked out even when trying to apply that perspective. im trying to tell myself that even if some of my behavior and thoughts are predictable, it doesnt have to mean im not my own individual. i feel a bit woozy thinking about this stuff.

thoughts in general are scary to me. like, where are they coming from? how can i think? in what way do i have control over them and my actions? luckily i see my therapist soon, so hopefully i will get to really dig into this stuff with her in a way that is less detrimental.

This should have been posted yesterday, but i fell asleep.

I noticed a lot of progress! I depersonalized less. I talked to some friends too and it was nice. Keeping myself busy has helped tremendously.

I still have the existential doubts though. Haven't really found a way to approach them.

In other news, I have been feeling really jealous. Talking to my friends was nice, but hearing about how often they've been hanging out without me kinda hurt and made me feel left behind.

Additionally, I found out a friend im kind of possessive over recently made friends with someone that he bonds over similar things with me and I feel soooo jealous. Ugh. I know its not actually a big deal, but I feel replaced.

i havent been posting much here because i have been feeling pretty bad. its gotten slightly better but im still super depressed and my anxiety still needs some work. im having lots of existential intrusive thoughts, and while i have gotten better at ignoring them, the doubts behind them do cause me a lot of discomfort and i havent yet found a way to really approach them or find peace with them, and i do not think i will have truly moved on until i have reached that peace.

i feel lonely, on top of it. breaking up with my best friend has been really hard for me. i feel like i have no one to talk about these days. like, i have my other friends, but it just genuinely isnt the same. he was recently reblogging stuff from one of my friend's tumblr and i felt really uncomfortable about it, because he was really obsessed with me and had some homicidal fantasies about me after the break up, so it just feels creepy for him to be in any way interacting with my friends. another friend told me that she doesnt think its inherently creepy and i honestly felt really upset by that but i didnt want to argue. i dont care what anyone says. he should not be engaging with my friends in any way and i do not trust his reasons for doing so.

i want someone to fill the void of his absence, but right now i just feel so alone.

so anyway, sorry for the lack of updates, i just want to post here more once i have something more positive to say.

ugh i wish i could get my brain to work but stuff has been so rough lately

i hate talking about loneliness with my online friends because they really dont get it. im not insecure and then that causes me to not make friends, im insecure because i cannot make friends irl.

when i say i do not have irl friends i legitimately mean none. not a single one. all my other online friends, even if they arent super outgoing DO have friends irl, and im sorry, if thats the case you do not understand the trauma of going years without forming close bonds irl.

it is isolating. it is embarrassing. its a deeply sad experience.

i can rationalize it, to some extent. i havent really had any opportunity to socialize in years, it just hasnt worked out. but theres also some issues that are more than situational. i am a weird person, objectively speaking. i dont read social cues well, i dont tend to feel interested by most people, the reality is i am not very compatible with most people. this doesnt mean theres something wrong with me, but people like me will struggle to form friendships, companionship is never a guarantee but especially not for people who arent easy to click with. this is why making online friends has been easier, because i can find people in tune with my interests and ideas much more easily. and even then, i still struggle to really connect with others. imagine how fucking hard it is to find people im compatible with in real life.

so i hate talking about it with friends because they always boil it down to being insecure. i know im funny and smart and interesting, but the average person does not think that! and that is morally neutral in itself, but i also dont like being lied to and being told that its just in my head. it isnt!

I've been soooo stressed out lately. Stuff with my family has gotten more complicated. The short of it is, I tried to assert a boundary that I had already mentioned to my family, and they reacted with a lot of hostility. I reacted poorly to that and said something kinda harsh, which I admit I shouldn't have and I did apologize for it, but I feel so upset that me having a BOUNDARY that is honestly REASONABLE is causing everyone to freak out. and i'm then being guilt tripped over it because "everyone does so much for me" oh FUCK OFF.

the good doesn't make up for the amount of emotional trauma i've endured here. i feel so tired and stressed because this showed me my family doesn't take my boundaries seriously, and it just. it's frustrating to think i'll keep having these conversations until i can move out. ughhhh

UGHHH i wrote an entire draft and was about to post it but accidentally reloaded the page so i lost everything!! here it goes again.

my last therapy appointment was really nice. it put a lot of things into perspective. she encouraged me to be kinder to myself and helped me realize much of self loathing comes from things my sister or mother have told me before. and i knew that to some extent, but hearing someone else say it was very validating and helpful. my thoughts are not their own, and i don't have to be caged by their expectations. i've been following her advice and been kind to myself this week. things haven't been "perfect" but they don't have to, and i'm allowed to feel relaxed without being ashamed.

we talked a lot about my sister, and i think i want to expand on that next appointment. my relationship with her has always been turbulent. it's difficult to put into words how at different points of my life it's been different kinds of dysfunctional.

when i was a child, she was everything i wanted to be, and i think looking up to her was often detrimental. it made me feel like i was nothing without her approval, and it hurt so deeply when we didn't see eye to eye. it didn't help that she was very much not equipped to handle a child, considering her own mental issues. so she often acted harshly, inappopriately. she hurt me emotionally a few times, i think because she didn't know any better. at the same time, she taught me a lot. i wouldn't be the person i am if not for the values she instilled in me, and she took care of me when she noticed my mental health issues becoming more prominent. she was the only one who knew what it was like, and she helped me through it.

when i was a teenager, she was my safe space. i would go to her and we could have intellectually challenging vonversations, something i couldn't do with the rest of my family. we bonded a lot over our interests, and she was the only person i could talk to about my troubles and feel like she would understand. with her i didn't have to pretend things were okay, and that was freeing.

i grew a bit older, and we grew distant. my mental health got worse, and i suspect hers did too. she became harsh, distant, she didn't agree with the way i wanted to handle things, and she said things that were mean and hurtful. it made me lose so much trust in her.

things got a bit better, but i could tell she wasn't very mentally stable. and now... well. it's not very good. we act cordial, we talk to each other, but we no longer have intimate conversations. she's become hyper religious and with that she's become really... bigoted and intolerant.

it's made me reflect a lot on my thoughts on religion. i am against anti theism, i think it's a very stupid and unhelpful way to look at things. but i don't see how it's okay to justify horrible beliefs if they come from religion. i think religion needs to compliment your beliefs, not be the basis for them. you need to be aware of the world around you, the things we know about it and use that to inform your ethics and beliefs and then add relgion as a compliment, not the other way around. because basing your world view entirely on something that cannot be proven is just so likely to lead to this. you have to come to terms with how religion can never be known to be true, and in that acknowledgement accept different beliefs as no less valid or likely than yours. you can't believe something is right or wrong simply because your religion says so, being critical of aspects of your religion and being able to develop your own perceptions is good! critical thinking is good and does not make your faith lesser.

anyway. i guess i'm really angry at my sister for becoming such a toxic person, but i also feel sad because i don't want to imagine her doing things that aren't good for her because she thinks it's what her god would want. she's thinking of getting back with her ex and marrying him purely for religious reasons and the thought makes me ill. i can't imagine wasting my life away like that.

i want her to be happy, but this way she'll never be. and i can't really do more than come to terms with that, because i can't change her decisions.

it's especially disappointing to see her fall down this hole of intolerance because the entire reason i'm as socially conscious as i am is because she taught me to be. i wouldn't be as passionate about making the world a better place if she didn't teach me that. it feels like a bit of a personal betrayal, you know?

but well. that's for my therapist to hear.

last night sucked. i'm on my period, which explains why i've been so depressed lately. but the bigger issue: cramps. i took some meds and am now better but i spent so much time being in pain and slept very poorly because of that.

i have some cleaning to do. play with my pets. shower. but i feel like i have no energy after last night ugh. i think i'll just shower.