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♡ You can call me Nero, Donnie, Steve or Rafael (Raf for short) ♡
♡ Bisexual lesbian ♡
♡ She/He ♡
This is my journal for personal ramblings about my life, fandom, and all other kinds of stuff.
I am mentally ill and talk about my mental health a lot.
Journal for dead dove/"proship" stuff:
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Sticky: Personal beliefs
Jan. 12th, 2024 05:28 pmBecause I find it important and politics are a deal breaker for me, I found it pertinent to make a post outlining my general views on things.
-I believe in intersectionary feminism that is pro trans and pro sex workers.
-Pro kink.
-Pro choice.
-Anti queer exclusionism, including transmedicalism and anti "confusing" identities or labels.
-Pro palestine and anti zionism.
-Pro BLM
-Freedom of religion and spirituality, so no anti theism here.
If there's anything else I can think of, I'll add it to this post. But I think you get the gist. Note that my blog is not about politics whatsoever, but I do think it's important to curate a space I feel comfortable in, and that does involve making my stance on thing clear so people who I'd rather not interact with can avoid me.
-I believe in intersectionary feminism that is pro trans and pro sex workers.
-Pro kink.
-Pro choice.
-Anti queer exclusionism, including transmedicalism and anti "confusing" identities or labels.
-Pro palestine and anti zionism.
-Pro BLM
-Freedom of religion and spirituality, so no anti theism here.
If there's anything else I can think of, I'll add it to this post. But I think you get the gist. Note that my blog is not about politics whatsoever, but I do think it's important to curate a space I feel comfortable in, and that does involve making my stance on thing clear so people who I'd rather not interact with can avoid me.
(no subject)
Jul. 6th, 2025 01:31 pmyesterday was a bit of an exhausting day. i had a therapy appointment, so i was waiting for my therapist to arrive... but she wasn't. so i double check and i got the date wrong. i felt so embarrassed after that, and the way back home was tiring so i felt soooo irritated.
it wasn't all bad though. me and my family went to this seafood place i like and the food was great. i felt exhausted after such a big meal though. i love that place, i hope we can go back soon!
anyway, i called with a friend last night and we had a lot of fun together, it was nice :) so overall i think i had a good day.
it wasn't all bad though. me and my family went to this seafood place i like and the food was great. i felt exhausted after such a big meal though. i love that place, i hope we can go back soon!
anyway, i called with a friend last night and we had a lot of fun together, it was nice :) so overall i think i had a good day.
(no subject)
Jul. 4th, 2025 11:37 pmi feel super tired today just from doing basic chores :( but at least i was productive. i was hoping to watch some house md today but no luck, and i didnt get to play with my dog. tomorrow maybe.
ive been looking into options for gardening clubs near me, and i found something promising! it's not gardening per se, but they do have classes on growing your own food which i'm interested in!
today i've been watching this deep dive on shane dawson by nikki carreon and it's so insane and fucked up, but i'm so interested. def recommend, but big tws for racism and pedophilia (among other things).
i haven't had luck with lucid dreaming :( but i'm staying optimistic. if the week ends and i'm still not seeing any success i'll see if there's any new things i can try that might help.
ive been looking into options for gardening clubs near me, and i found something promising! it's not gardening per se, but they do have classes on growing your own food which i'm interested in!
today i've been watching this deep dive on shane dawson by nikki carreon and it's so insane and fucked up, but i'm so interested. def recommend, but big tws for racism and pedophilia (among other things).
i haven't had luck with lucid dreaming :( but i'm staying optimistic. if the week ends and i'm still not seeing any success i'll see if there's any new things i can try that might help.
(no subject)
Jul. 2nd, 2025 12:28 amtoday was very unproductive, but i did talk to my psychiatrist and she's upping my sleep meds which i think is gonna help.
i'm trying to get into lucid dreaming again. i've always been obsessed with the idea ever since i was a kid, and i've had lucid dreams here and there, but nothing too interesting for the most part. but i've always wanted to become more dedicated about it and actually learn to control it. hopefully this time i actually stick with it, since it is a big goal for me!
last night i had a dream about lucid dreaming. not a lucid dream though. i was either learning about it or talking about it to someone. i cant remember very well. what an ironic dream to have though. at the very least, i think it shows lucid dreaming is on my mind, which means i'm on the right track.
i'm trying to get into lucid dreaming again. i've always been obsessed with the idea ever since i was a kid, and i've had lucid dreams here and there, but nothing too interesting for the most part. but i've always wanted to become more dedicated about it and actually learn to control it. hopefully this time i actually stick with it, since it is a big goal for me!
last night i had a dream about lucid dreaming. not a lucid dream though. i was either learning about it or talking about it to someone. i cant remember very well. what an ironic dream to have though. at the very least, i think it shows lucid dreaming is on my mind, which means i'm on the right track.
(no subject)
Jun. 29th, 2025 05:15 pmThings have stabilized significantly these past few days. My mind feels clearer. I still get intrusive thoughts and they are still upsetting but I can ground myself more easily now, and that gives me peace.
Im still struggling to get back to my normal routine though, and my migraines havent helped. I seriously need to get my sleep schedule in check because its all over the place at the moment. Im also trying to reconnect with my interests and my passions, and hopefully I can start putting myself out there a bit more? I feel really disappointed by how everything has turned out recently, but I think it will be okay.
Im still struggling to get back to my normal routine though, and my migraines havent helped. I seriously need to get my sleep schedule in check because its all over the place at the moment. Im also trying to reconnect with my interests and my passions, and hopefully I can start putting myself out there a bit more? I feel really disappointed by how everything has turned out recently, but I think it will be okay.
(no subject)
Jun. 15th, 2025 06:38 pmStuff has been kinda weird for me lately. I feel undeniably better aftee that recent mental downspiral but I'm still not 100% up to normal. I do feel much better though and way more motivated.
I'm trying my best to get back to my usual routine but also add new things to it that I have been meaning to include. For example, I want to start reading. When I was a kid I used to love reading, but as I got older it became more of a chore and less something I enjoyed. I feel like the way it was pushed on me sucked a lot of the joy out of it, and it became a weird source of anxiety. After a certain point I stopped reading because I felt like I wasn't good enough for it.
But I'm trying to move past those thoughts. I really do want to fall in love with reading again. I downloaded storygraph so that I can track my reading and I've added a bunch of books to my to read pile. We'll see how that goes! Hopefully good?
I feel really overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do, and so much I have to do and it feels like I never have enough time for it. I'm unsure of what the solution is, but I'll keep looking for one.
I'm trying my best to get back to my usual routine but also add new things to it that I have been meaning to include. For example, I want to start reading. When I was a kid I used to love reading, but as I got older it became more of a chore and less something I enjoyed. I feel like the way it was pushed on me sucked a lot of the joy out of it, and it became a weird source of anxiety. After a certain point I stopped reading because I felt like I wasn't good enough for it.
But I'm trying to move past those thoughts. I really do want to fall in love with reading again. I downloaded storygraph so that I can track my reading and I've added a bunch of books to my to read pile. We'll see how that goes! Hopefully good?
I feel really overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do, and so much I have to do and it feels like I never have enough time for it. I'm unsure of what the solution is, but I'll keep looking for one.
recovery journal - day 9
Jun. 1st, 2025 12:13 amtoday was a bit better. i dissociated a little less and found myself more upbeat, although right now i feel very loopy.
the existential thoughts keep getting to me. i get this feeling that i am a puppet on a show, that each of my actions has been written down and i am just going along with the script unwillingly. it sucks.
a friend recently told me, even if my whole life was already determined, i see my life through my eyes and not through the eyes of the universe. but i still feel so freaked out even when trying to apply that perspective. im trying to tell myself that even if some of my behavior and thoughts are predictable, it doesnt have to mean im not my own individual. i feel a bit woozy thinking about this stuff.
thoughts in general are scary to me. like, where are they coming from? how can i think? in what way do i have control over them and my actions? luckily i see my therapist soon, so hopefully i will get to really dig into this stuff with her in a way that is less detrimental.
the existential thoughts keep getting to me. i get this feeling that i am a puppet on a show, that each of my actions has been written down and i am just going along with the script unwillingly. it sucks.
a friend recently told me, even if my whole life was already determined, i see my life through my eyes and not through the eyes of the universe. but i still feel so freaked out even when trying to apply that perspective. im trying to tell myself that even if some of my behavior and thoughts are predictable, it doesnt have to mean im not my own individual. i feel a bit woozy thinking about this stuff.
thoughts in general are scary to me. like, where are they coming from? how can i think? in what way do i have control over them and my actions? luckily i see my therapist soon, so hopefully i will get to really dig into this stuff with her in a way that is less detrimental.
recovery journal - day 8
May. 31st, 2025 02:10 amToday was so bad. I dissociated nearly all the time, and i just feel so tired. I dont have anyone to talk this out with. My friends dont get it. My family doesnt get it. All their advice is useless. I feel so tired and sad, i just want to sleep all day.
recovery journal - day 5
May. 28th, 2025 11:52 pmtoday was really rough. i felt really loopy and disconnected for the first half of the day but im trying to be patient and accept these feelings as temporary.
i feel relatively calm right now. im listening to lady gaga and i feel pretty good overall!
i feel relatively calm right now. im listening to lady gaga and i feel pretty good overall!
recovery journal - day 2
May. 27th, 2025 02:03 pmThis should have been posted yesterday, but i fell asleep.
I noticed a lot of progress! I depersonalized less. I talked to some friends too and it was nice. Keeping myself busy has helped tremendously.
I still have the existential doubts though. Haven't really found a way to approach them.
In other news, I have been feeling really jealous. Talking to my friends was nice, but hearing about how often they've been hanging out without me kinda hurt and made me feel left behind.
Additionally, I found out a friend im kind of possessive over recently made friends with someone that he bonds over similar things with me and I feel soooo jealous. Ugh. I know its not actually a big deal, but I feel replaced.
I noticed a lot of progress! I depersonalized less. I talked to some friends too and it was nice. Keeping myself busy has helped tremendously.
I still have the existential doubts though. Haven't really found a way to approach them.
In other news, I have been feeling really jealous. Talking to my friends was nice, but hearing about how often they've been hanging out without me kinda hurt and made me feel left behind.
Additionally, I found out a friend im kind of possessive over recently made friends with someone that he bonds over similar things with me and I feel soooo jealous. Ugh. I know its not actually a big deal, but I feel replaced.
