that good old fashioned razzmatazz

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep.

Wondering if the future just means little to no contact with family at all. Not because that's how I want it, but I think Sister S just doesn't want to talk with me because I am often upset about TW, though going forward that might be less of an issue.

Sister E is just...scattered? I have to call her, and most of the time she is somehow in no position to talk, either her phone is missing or not charged, or she's in the middle of something, so she says she'll call back, and often she doesn't.

At any rate, I'm assessing a certain truth here. I chase my family for contact, they don't tend to contact me. I'm kind of tired of that dynamic.

We all think our family LIKES us, but that might not be true. Maybe my family never really liked me, and I've been blind all these years.

So, exactly why am I driving home every year to see people that can't be bothered to talk to me at all the rest of the year? Maybe to see the farm, while it's still in our family?

I would love to have a group of people that can be my chosen family, who do call me first sometimes, who do like me, and do enjoy hearing from me. Wouldn't that be nice?

I laundered doggy diapers. I am finding that often they come out of the washing machine, and if they folded during the wash they aren't clean enough, so I ended up washing them again in the bath tub in detergent and hot water, and put them back in to spin.

Then I put the original signed release document for my Mom's will into an envelope and addressed it. Though I sent a scanned copy, the lawyer's office wants the original.

Then I did chores and headed to the riding barn, dropping off the document at the post office first.

I also took a stack of books with me to the post office as there is a free book exchange, so I left a pile, and took one home.

River was in a good mood today, and our session went well. Better to the right.

My Sweetie joined us, and stayed until we finished up.

We chatted with the next rider, who had a lesson. That was fun. Light, fluffy talk.

Then we headed home, I returned Dandy to his people, my Sweetie made supper, we washed dishes, and we chatted while we ate.

I end up being the one to tell my Sweetie he has to go to bed, and that's frustrating. I don't want to be considered "enabling" him to stay up late, but now I end up going to bed with him just to get him to go, and I get up after he's asleep. It's nice sometimes, but sometimes it feels like putting a toddler to bed.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep, after not falling asleep easily.

The support pillow is comfy, the two new regular pillows are maybe a bit too big? We'll see.

Waking up to have my Sweetie in the house.

He made breakfast, I washed the dishes.

Then we went outside to do chores, and then to the pottery shed to assemble the shelving units. They weren't too tough to put together with two people, but would have been awkward with one.

Then I headed to the riding barn.

River did well today, good energy and focus. We worked on the four pylon pattern, and ridden work. He did well today to the right, stayed relaxed and didn't speed up, and when I rode a smaller circle didn't pull to the outside.

I saw K briefly, who expressed that he isn't a fan of going to Ikea, when I mentioned our trip yesterday. I wonder if it's really that it's crowded, or if it's because it's often crowded with people of diverse backgrounds. He's come across as being "ethnic adverse" a few times before.

I came home, returned Dandy to his people, and went inside. My Sweetie had supper ready because he wanted to be in bed in good time.

This week he changes to the new job site, which thankfully means he will be home at night still. It will mean learning a different drive to work, and he will be working Fridays again, so overall he will be working 48 hours a week. Sleep is going to be EVEN MORE important.

Sigh.

I haven't been talking with TW this week at all, since her declaration of the desire to die that pushed me over the edge.

No, I'm not "too sensitive", as has been suggested by some people in my family, who wonder why I let these things get to me.

The thing is, TW doesn't talk to them like that. She only seems to talk to ME like that. Probably BECAUSE I am sensitive.

The last couple of years has been very strenuous emotionally with regards to her issues.

It was only two years ago, give or take, that she was still living in the shitty trailer in an abandoned ghost town in the middle of nowhere, drinking herself to death THERE too. She no longer could shower or use the toilet in her trailer, so was forced to "do her business in a coffee tin and toss it out the car on her way to town", and to shower at some sleazy guy's place, or at Sister N's. She wasn't hardly worrying about doing laundry, or bothering to eat.

She would call me up, obviously drunk, and be like "I hate my life, I'll never get out of here, I hate being alive".

I tried seeing if social services would do a wellness check on her, but it wasn't in their jurisdiction (only in the city). The local fire fighters or police wouldn't go either. I was hoping that if someone saw how she was living, they would force her to get help, or condemn her trailer.

Finally she found a buyer for her trailer, though she kept talking like he wasn't offering her enough money for her treasure of a property. She had her adult sons come out and take truckload after truckload to the dump, or to take valuable things with them to use or sell (there were lots of tools, car parts, ladders, etc. from her deceased partner).

Then, she was able to move into the lodge in the town nearby, which meant a small but clean, safe apartment with other people around who were friends, and didn't have to drive half an hour to be in town for food and social activity.

Then THAT wasn't enough. She hated her small apartment. She was sick of her friends. She hated being in town and said she missed her shitty trailer because at least she had a big yard and could run around naked.

So she ended up in the hospital, mostly dead from drinking and malnutrition. I'm hazy on this, because I know shortly after this episode, she was back in the hospital again because she had issues with her liver or something...? I know it was twice. They kept her in for weeks at one point.

Then she was lucky enough to live, her sons moved her to a rent controlled apartment complex in the small city where it's close to the sons, and she could see them more often, which is what she said she wanted.

She was cleaned up from being in the hospital, was trying to see her sons regularly, was trying to go out and do things in the community.

Then she started drinking again this last time, and the same thing. "I hate my life, I don't want to be alive".

People have gone through hell this past two years (and to be honest, for her whole life) trying to get her out of that trailer and into safe housing, moving all of her hoarded stuff and dealing with her terrible attitude and her poor health. They've done everything they possibly can given the circumstances to make her life as good as it can be.

Without getting ongoing mental health support and attending AA, she won't ever recognize that it's just up to her whether or not she's going to find any reason to live.

This week has been odd for me. I won't say that I don't have my own issues separate from how her life affects me, but I don't even know who I am without feeling guilt and responsibility for her, and worrying about her.

I feel like this week has been...like I'm faking something? Pretending she's not there? Like I'm not fooling anyone by standing up for myself?

I didn't think about her much today, but I still did. The very act of trying to put someone out of your thoughts does mean you think about them, and I was thinking about how PEACEFUL it feels not to talk to her, and felt guilty about feeling okay.

I'm hoping that at some point, I won't feel guilty anymore for being okay. That it's okay to allow myself to be happy sometimes, and not think that I don't deserve to be happy sometimes.

To be okay with having a husband, our animals, and so on and that it is okay to have those good things in my life without feeling guilty for having it, and worrying that it might all come crashing down because of my arrogance.

I want to spend days at a time not feeling bad for TW or my other family, just living in the present around me.

To actually be able to not feel responsible for solving other people's problems, or feel obligated to take on their pain.

I do have my appointment this Thursday, and won't it be nice to have someone tell me that it's okay to let it all go. It's not my job. I don't have to feel bad for having good things in my life.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep. My Sweetie fed the monsters so I could keep snoozing.

Later in the afternoon he headed to the city to climb.

I did chores, then headed to the riding barn.

River did well today, we even moved past the distraction of hearing the other horses being fed without too much fuss. He did still rush the trot to the right today, but was better after some work.

I stayed for the woman with health challenges' session. R's daughter L came too, to ride. I worked with Poppy the Pokey Pony today, and it was super frustrating trying to get her to trot while being lunged. I felt mean getting her going, but she FAKES it so hard. She can absolutely trot, but always makes like she cannot, and won't even walk with purpose. I honestly don't know if I've ever worked with a horse that was that lazy.

It was fun riding with L today, she is 18 and was telling me about going to the bar for her friend's 18th birthday. I think she had fun, though it was past her normal bedtime (seriously, she goes to bed around 8 pm if she can).

She gave me a small dragon sculpture she made, I think out of drying sculpture clay.

We all went upstairs to spend some time with the kittens, who are now more like fat little cats. They are now house cats, I think, but do still come to the barn loft sometimes.

L was teaching them how to spin for a treat, and the woman with health challenges got to do that with them.

I came home, and returned Dandy to his people. My husband got home around the same time.

I made supper for me, he ate soup, and we watched "Eastern Promises", which has the most incredibly brutal fight scene in a sauna, that made me flinch just watching it.