that good old fashioned razzmatazz

 i should be sleeping, but instead i'm thinking about kfp (yes, the hyperfixation has not gone away) so here are some headcanons in no partucular order.

1. i've given a lot of thought to what exactly happened to kai in the third movie. how can you kill someone who is already dead? the idea i have landed on is that his soul is still there, it's just scattered, and it needs some time to pass before it can reform.

2. po has been dealing with nightmares his whole life. initially he couldn't understand what was happening in them or why he would wake up so unsettled, but after learning about his past and his repressed trauma, it all started to make sense.

3. tigress is a trans woman.

4. po was a very lonely kid growing up, partially because he was fat and partially because he was neurodivergent and so other children immediately noticed he was "weird."

5. shifu keeps a bunch of tai lung's old belongings in his room that he looks at every time he misses him. tigress once accidentally found it when she was a child and shifu immediately lashed out, so she never went into his room without permission again.

6. this is one that i could make an entire post about because i have given it a lot of thought. since tai lung and shen appear to be the same age i like to think they were childhood friends. tai lung being imprisoned was a huge blow to shen's mental health, and it made him unwell enough that it was almost a catalyst for him going down a dark path too.

I meant to make this post much earlier, but I just haven't been active here much and it ended up slipping my mind. But I'm here now, and I'm thinking about kpop, so it feels like the perfect time to make this post.

In 2022 I decided at the end of each year, I would make a playlist with my top 20 kpop songs of the year. In 2022 that playlist was just for me, but since now I have a space like this where I can ramble to my heart's content, it gives me a perfect excuse to rant about the songs I picked for 2023. Keep in mind I generally stick to listening to same few groups, and last year I wasn't very hyperfixated on kpop, so there may not be too much variety, and this is just for fun.

20. Blame by I.M

I knew I was going to love this song the moment I heard it in the teaser. There's something to ethereal about it, and it captures the eroticism in Changkyun's music really well. In general this album was very sensual, but this song in particular stood out to me in that sense. It's sexy but melancholic, and if that isn't peak Changkyun I don't know what else is. The instrumental is extremely pleasing to my ears.

19. Enemy by Xdinary Heroes

Very much in love with the emo angst that this song exudes. I've said before that Xdinary Heroes feels very nostalgic to me and reminds me of the edgy music I would listen to when I was a kid, and this is another one of those songs that just gives me so much nostalgia despite it being really new. I adore how those instruments sound and the emotion in the singing is really good. It feels very MCR esque somehow.

18. Groovy by Cravity

Cravity went from one of those groups I had 0 interest in to one I'm super excited to hear more from in the future. Ever since Adrenaline released and they've been leaning more into the cuter, upbeat concept, it feels like the group has finally found their identity. This song is like sugar in a song, it just injects serotonin directly into my veins.

17. Evolution by Joohoney

This song takes a little bit to really get going but once it does it's such a blast. It's energetic and uplifting, which is not uncommon for Jooheon's music. I found the genre to be really interesting, I don't believe he's ever released anything like this and I'm really glad to see him try new genres. The little monologue in the middle of the song always hits me, it's just really good delivery mixed with a really pretty instrumental. It's an upbeat song with an air of sentimentality.

16. Chasing That Feeling by TXT

Very retro, which I love. That instrumental is just addictive in the best way possible. I was obsessed with this song for weeks after hearing it the first time. That chorus is really good, in general I think the melodies of the singing are great. I have very little to say about it other than it is just really good.

15. Bouncy by Ateez

I am kind of in love with this song. Which is suprising because there's a lot about that I think shouldn't work but it somehow just does. It's so extremely fun to listen to and just a huge mood booster, it makes me want to get up and do something. This was such a memorable release for me honestly  and one of my favorite Ateez releases ever, I just can never get sick of it. I've been adoring the darker vibes of all their recent music,

14. Sweet Venom by Enhypen

Another song with a retro vibe. I talk a lot about instrumentals but that's just because kpop is kinda great at making those and this is another good one, it just really pulls me in, and the chorus is so extremely fun. But the pre chorus is where it's really at.

13. Best Friend Ever by NCT Dream

I make it no secret that I don't really like NCT. I find their music obnoxious and tacky. But a lot of the recent NCT Dream releases have been surprisingly enjoyable to me, and this one has not left my mind since I first heard it. It's just joy in a song. It puts me in such a good mood whenever I hear it. It's really bouncy and fun. If rays of sunshine were music they would sound like this.

12. Fly by Cravity

As much as I love Groovy, this was THE biggest hit for me from Cravity this year. I cannot get over how catchy that chorus is, it just fills me up with so much joy. I also feel like this song has a bit more variety in terms of melodies, which makes it a superior song compared to Groovy to me. I frankly think this may be my favorite Cravity song ever, it's just absurd how good this is.

11. Guilty by Taemin

No one does sexy music quite like Taemin does, I don't think that's a secret. He is a sex god to me. This song is sensual but in a very classy way, and as always Taemin's voice is just mesmerizing. There's something so hypnotic about this song.

10. Freakin Bad by Xdinary Heroes

Definitely my favorite Xdinary Heroes title track so far. I adore the melodies here, I just find them so fun. It has that edge that I like about their music but in a more upbeat and refreshing way. The instruments sound incredible in this one, particularly near the end, they just really outdid themselves with this one in my opinion.


9. Fighting by BSS

This song will live on in my mind as one of the most memorable kpop releases I've had the pleasure to witness. This song was everywhere for a while and for good it reason, it's really good and it has a lot of character. I think you can tell I really like upbeat, cheerful music from my picks for this list, and I think Seventeen are fantastic when it comes with that, so it's no surprise to me that this song is as great as it is. The sentiment of the lyrics is also very sweet. 

8. Monologue by Joohoney ft. GSoul

Lyrically this was definitely the best in the album. The jazzy feel is really neat, it's just overall such a warm and pleasant song, it feels like an embrace. Jooheon has some fantastic delivery and GSoul gives a really nice feeling to the song. This is one of those songs where I can just feel how much love went behind it, and that makes listening to it so special.

7. Lone Ranger by Monsta X

First mention of Monsta X on this list outside of their solo work. I am a little bit obsessed with the sexy cowboy concept, why do they keep doing that. In any case,I think everyone gets really great lines in this song and that instrumental makes me bop my head, it's really great. I am obsessed with that chorus. Hyungwon is great at making music, and I find it impressive that so far he hasn't released anything I dislike. He's been extremely consistent when it comes to the quality of his work.

6. Habit by I.M 

This was my favorite song on the album. Changkyun's voice sounds really beautiful in this and gosh, I adore the jazzy vibe he went for this one. It's a really sexy song too. It's been really interesting to observe Changkyun's singing improve over the years and I think this song is a testament to how far he's come because he sounds really great. I adore how angsty this is as well.

5. Killer by Key

What can I even say about this. Yet another retro song, although there's a futuristic quality to this one that I really like. Key as always is an incredible singer that I can't get enough of. This is just a really great listen, great singing, great instrumental, it's a banger.

4. Man In The Box by Xdinary Heroes

There's been a lot of Xdinary Heroes in this list, huh. What can I say, I've been really enjoying their work. This song is my favorite thing they've ever released. It has big Set It Off vibes that I adore, this just truly feels like something from the 2010s. And that's what makes Xdinary Heroes so great, they keep the art of making edgy music alive in a world where that's just not as common anymore. And especially in the kpop space, this is a relatively new thing, and I'm in love with Xdinary Heroes making the kind of music I would hear in a shitty AMV when I was 12. They've brought back a style of music I really love and I just respect that. 

3. Dystopia by Kingdom

Man, Kingdom is painfully underrated. They have such a distinct style compared to other modern kpop groups, I keep hoping they'll blow up because they absolutely deserve it. This song feels so big and elegant, it's captivating and feels like a journey. It's a really beautiful listen that I wish got more recognition. I think this is probably my favorite Kingdom song as of now.

2. Freedom by Joohoney

I adore music with big genre/mood switches and this was one I really did not see coming. I think it works really well, I love the contrast with the angelic parts of the song and the harsher sections. The chorus works really well as a way to connect them both. Jooheon had a really good year before enlisting and when I listen to this I get so emotional thinking about his growth as an artist. I think this is a perfect encapsulation of everything that makes his music his. The more aggressive elements, mixed with Jooheon's softer side and the way Jooheon's voice gets to shine. It's a really bold song that I think came out really well and I'm just so unbearably proud of this guy and all his growth as a performer. Gosh, he makes me all emotional.




1. Crescendo by Monsta X

Yet another Jooheon song, except this time it isn't from his solo work. I am in love with everything about this. Every single second of the song feels like it pays off, there's some really fantastic delivery from everyone and the instrumental is just a pleasure to listen to it. The colder nature of the chorus really appeals to me too. I want Jooheon to make songs like this forever.

i haven't watched mlp in a little bit, so i decided to continue my rewatch of the show and i instantly felt my mood get better. this show is just escapsim at its finest, it's the biggest piece of comfort media i can think of.

it's not only extremely cozy, but it's such a fun show to hyperfixate on. the lore has always been a huge part of the appeal for me.

i was watching the episode where sunburst gets introduced and boy, he's relatable. i too am jobless and pathetic. he has such a fantastic design too, probably my favorite design in the whole series. i really wish the writers had used him more, he had so much potential... well, that's what fanfiction is for, i guess.

mlp is my biggest hyperfixation, so it's such a shame that i don't really have anyone to talk about it with. i really could ramble about it for hours. something something, undiagnosed adhd/autism.

 I'm so bad at selfshipping. I keep trying to read self insert fanfiction, but it feels... awkward.

My latest kpop boy obsession (Joohoney) has me sooo infatuated. I could talk about him for hours, and maybe some day I'll talk more about him and my affection for him. But all you need to know for now is that I'm very attracted to him, and I'm bad at coming up with scenarios on my own, so I've tried fanfiction and it just doesn't click. It's a lot of things, I think. Self insert fantasy are in general hard for me to get into. The immersion is just not there, and it's so hard to read this stuff without going "I would not fucking say that."

But then there's how my queerness affects my attraction to him, and how most fanfics can't possibly capture that feeling. I'm not romantically interested in men and, as pretty as he is, Jooheon isn't an exception.

But it's also not purely sexual attraction either. I'm incredibly emotionally attached to him, just in a very weird specific way. I want him to be my friend, but also fuck me, and I want to kiss and cuddle him, but without any sort of commitment. I want him to be my boyfriend, but the kind of boyfriend you have a passionate and life changing relationship with and then break up with once you're bored. I want to be his best friend, more than anything. His fuck buddy, maybe. I want to be his boyfriend and him my girlfriend. I want him to be my queerplatonic partner. I sound unhinged, I think.

I was talking about this with friends recently and it's been on my mind, so I would like to talk about it.

Small warning, in this post I will be discussing things like fictional incest, noncon, lolicon, etc. So if you find that upsetting, proceed with caution.

( Read more... )

Since it's friday, I thought it would be nice to just talk about how my week went. I'll be honest, it could have been better. I didn't do anything super interesting. And then I got sick. I'm hoping I start feeling better soon because I'm already so annoyed. I'm taking these meds that help with the pain but they are rough on my stomach.

I found myself listening to quite a bit of Daft Punk these last few days. Last week one of my friends made me watch Trolls World Tour with her, a very bad movie, and they used one of their songs near the start, so I guess it just left me in a big Daft Punk mood. Despite always having a fondness for their music I don't think I've ever listened to any of their albums in full, so I gave Discovery a listen and it was pretty good. Not my favorite album ever made, but extremely enjoyable. Daft Punk in general are one of those artists I can't really listen to without fully sitting down and paying extreme attention to their music. It has something to do with how satifying and bouncy their songs sound, there's something very hypnotic about them.

Other than that, Xdinary Heroes released a new mini album and I hate to say it, but I was a little bit underwhelmed? It was not bad by any means, I think I just loved their last release so much that I had very high expectations for this one, so when it didn't live up to that I found myself a little disappointed. The title track was fun, they always do very fun things with their instruments that scratch an itch in my brain, but I do think the chorus itself was lacking. Something about it just didn't connect with me, which is a shame because I really did enjoy the lead up to it. The rest of the songs in the mini album were fun, but I think they could have been a bit more varied. They really leaned into their emo angst vibes for this release, which is not a good or bad thing, just something I noticed. I think their previous releases were a little bit more edgy and I kinda hope they bring that energy back for the next release. My favorite song from this one was Enemy. Like I said, the vibes overall felt very emo and I think this one channels it the best. I'm listening to it as I type this and I really like it, the singing is great in all their songs but I find it so satisfying in this one specifically. Jungsu specifically has such a distinctive voice that does something to my brain, I adore his singing so much. I also really liked Bad Chemical! The instrumental for it is REALLY good.

Their music has consistently really been to my liking. I find them so weirdly nostalgic despite being a really new band, they just feel exactly like the type of annoyingly edgy music I would have loved as a 13 year old that is nowadays considered cringy. It's nice to see someone still filling that niche, especially in the kpop/krock space where that's never been a big trend. I would love to join their fandom more properly but I'm just sorta distant from kpop at the moment. I still listen to it, I'm just not really paying attention to the community or the news. I miss it, honestly! And I miss Monsta X specifically so much. It's genuinely really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I won't get to hear any new releases from them after getting used to their consistent output. Anyway, all this to say, I really want to get back into kpop, but I also don't have any control over what I'm hyperfixated on. Me and kpop have always been really on and off, so this isn't unusual, I know I'll fall down the obsession rabbit hole sooner or later.

Speaking of kpop, my friend told me to listen to the new TXT song and it was really good. Very 80s. I liked when TXT was still doing the "cute" thing but I'm happy they've outgrown it because the songs they release now suit them so much better. TXT is one of those groups I should probably listen to more.

To change the subject, I had a really nice moment with my dog yesterday! We both sat together outside to take the sun and it was so peaceful. For a second I just felt so overwhelmed with love and happiness. I am so thankful that he's a part of my life. This last year I've been thinking about about my mortality. I used to be terrified of death, and I think I still am. That's pretty normal, I think. But the terror I used to feel back then was a whole other thing. It ended with this horrible existential crisis and panic attacks that lead me to seeking psychiatric help. Since then I've gotten better, thankfully, but I hate the idea that the things I love and care about aren't permanent, that the little moments of joy won't last forever and I won't be here forever to experience happiness. I think a lot about my own death, but I also think about my dog's death quite a lot and that's even harder to grasp. The idea of my own death is terrifying but the idea of my dog dying is devastating. I think about it a lot because he's getting older and that's made me confront the idea that he won't be here forever and that I genuinely don't know how I'll react or process it when it inevitably happens. It usually causes me really great pain to think about. It feels bad to write about it right now. But I wanted to mention it because yesterday, being with him under the sun, I found myself thinking about death again. His death and mine. But instead of feeling sad, I just thought "I'm so lucky that we got to know each other" and that felt really nice.