that good old fashioned razzmatazz

 today was nice. im calling a friend and just yapping about nonsense.

today wss a nice day. i've been feeling sad the past few days, because of a lot of things. but also, i got my period, so that explains a lot lol. 
but today i felt nice. i called a friend and i had fun! and now im listening to music and i feel really nice.

today was a really rough day. my ocd was really bad. i feel super uneasy.

i was so overwhelmed, i skipped two things i had planned. i feel pathetic.

tomorrow i see my therapist and we discuss the stuff with my sister. im so fucking anxious.

 last night was fucking tough. i told my friend about my suspicions about being an emotional incest victim and they told me everything i was describing sounded really bad and concerning and that my sister sounded like a bad person. that kinda hurt to hear?

today was boring. just watched a bunch of bojack horseman, which was really interesting, but doesnt give me tons to talk about. 

i think im gonna watch a little more and then call a friend. this week has been rough.

 Today has been really boring. I'm on my period so my mood is kinda down right now but at least I've been able to relax today.

I really need to write an essay, which I'm not super excited to do but I have to. I might call a friend tomorrow? I should. But today I just want to relax.

I keep trying to write in my journal, but for some reason I get so overwhelmed 

Life has been kind of hard lately. My old best friend got in touch with me. He seems to be doing better. I feel.... Weird. I miss him. It's good to hear he's not completely unstable now. A part of me wants to jump at the chance of being friends again but I know it will never work. It's over. In any case, hearing from him rattled me. I'm glad he's okay though.

My OCD has been fucking me up a lot lately, which sucks. I hope i feel better soon.

I feel really lonely. And hearing from my old friend again doesn't help, since he used to be the first person I would talk to about anything . So I'm trying to find ways to get out of the house a bit more and also trying to make online friends. I need to get out of my fucking head.

gender is weird. im not sure i fully understand what i am, which distresses me some days, but im trying to feel more neutral about it 

ocd is so fucking annoying. i feel like its always lurking there, and when it feels like its not there anymore it returns again to make me uncomfortable. im not ruminating the way i used to but i hate being put on edge at random hours.

 i got into an argument with some of my friends and its all been solved but its been so lame and awkward, and i kinda dont trust our bonds the way o used to. i feel so resentful.

i keep feeling like time is moving too fast and too slow. every morning i wake up and im dissociating. i feel lonely. i want to make friends. but i feel so useless at it. 

anyway. i want to spend some time with my dog and then go on a walk. i should also get ready for class

feel like i only remember to post here when im feeling like shit.

i had a really bad ocd episode. i started thinking about consciousness, specifically the idea that consciousness is limited. which lead my brain to bizarre conclusions. i dislike talking about it but i do think ocd gets better when you tell others about it and arent afraid to verbalise it.

i essentially reached the conclusion that being focused in an activity means that, for that moment you believe nothing else but what is directly in front of you exists. so all your memories of other people, places, etc didnt exist to you for that moment.

ive since realized this isnt a very coherent thought process. obviously you cannot be aware of everything at once but you always have a sense of general awareness of the world around you and in fact you need it to be able to contextualize what is happening to you in that moment. however im still confused as to how im able to like... Compartmentalize such complex information i guess? I always have a sense of my friends, my family, my pets, the things i like and am interested in animals, society, culture, the space i exist in and the physics that govern it. I always have a sense my body exists, and i always have a feeling of my inner world. And the moment i became hyperaware of this is it kinda broke my brain. I think its partially because i struggled to tell the difference between "knowing everything at all times" vs "having a general and vague awareness of the world around you." But it's also because even then, that's still a lot to retain, and we still don't fully know how the brain does that. OCD loves things that are unclear and uncertain, so it latched onto this and told me the only explanation was that in that moment i had forgotten the outside world existed. That in that moment i was a robot doing things with no context of what came before or what existed outside that particular moment (which... If that was the case how would I be asking myself those things in the first place?).

I got so freaked out by this idea that I started to dissociate. I started thinking the only way i could possibly be retaining all that information must be if i had multiple people living in my body, all holding different pieces of the context.

So i started having panic attacks and dissociating. I nearly self harmed and my thoughts became genuinely incoherent. It was so hard to follow them.

Ive started taking my medication again and calmed down significantly. I can more clearly identify why my thought process didnt make sense but the way consciousness, memory and all that works is still freaking me out so much. And in the moment it got so bad i almost self harmed. Ive talked with my psychiatrist and ive been given an ocd diagnosis. Which i already knew but its good to have confirmation and this will help point me in the right direction.

 my sister has become incredibly homophobic in the last few years, and it breaks my heart. i cannot stand her lately. i wish she could be the way she used to be? its just no longer safe for me at home.

right now i really dont have the means to move out, but i hope i can within the next two years. the main issue will be our cats. im gonna do everything i can to make sure i can take them with me. but if i cant, i will be devastated.