that good old fashioned razzmatazz

Revently ive felt a huge discomfort being in my room. I hate it so fucking much. I want to actually make it look like its mine. Or just... get a different room, but I think that might take forever.

So im going to focus the next week on getting it cleaned up and then im going to actually look into decorating it like i want to. I want to feel like a fucking person with some semblance of individuality.

im gonna talk to my dad abt helping me with it once im done cleaning.

i also reaaaally need to study. ugh.

i feel like i should write out an actual life update.

-soooo my parents nearly got divorced but then that went nowhere so that was awkward.

-ocd has been making my life hell. discussing it in therapy has made me feel like it is mostly triggered by a feeling isolated. but since there isn't too much i can do that to fix that until january, i've created a personal plan to cope with the ocd symptoms. hopefully it works? we'll see.

-my ex best friend and i got in contact again and pretty explicitly agreed to not talk to each other anymore, however we agreed that he needed to transfer ownership of a discord server we used to have together (it was just us, it was an archive for personal stuff). so ive been waiting on him to take screenshots of everything he needs in there. he was taking an insanely long amount of time, so i messaged him asking what happened with all that. he responded with an insanely long explanation of why he has been busy, including details about his recent break up (which btw. not shocked that didn't last) but more importantly, he offhandedly mentions he tried to kill himself. i find it so inappropriate that he's unloading all this on me when we both agreed we are NOT friends anymore, and i really do not want to know his life details anymore. but i did find my reaction interesting. if he had said to me that he tried to kill himself when we just stopped talking, i would have spiraled. it used to scare me. but now, as cruel as it sounds, i'm really like... this is not my problem anymore lol. i still have fond memories of him but i feel like a lot of my sympathy has been exhausted. yeah, kinda sucks he turned out this way, if things had been different he would maybe be a nice person, but you aren't, and i don't concern myself with what ifs. and at this point, that's just what he is. the version of him that could have been doesn't exist. so all that's left is a person that can't be reasoned with, someone with an affinity for cruelty, with repulsive views on the world. noooot my problem anymore.

anyway, lets see how the ocd stuff goes in the next few days.

this last week has been frustrating. i saw something today that triggered my anxiety and annoyed me. on top of that, my ocd symptoms are really missing with me.

the main intrusive thought still is "you are losing connection with reality/you're forgetting yourself. it sorta stopped for a bit, but its back. im gonna keep myself distracted.

Life has been fucking miserable lately.

I miss him so much. I didnt realize how alone I was without him. None of my friends talk to me or give a fuck about me the way he did. I feel so alone spending every day with no one to talk to.

I cant help but feel so angry. Its not anyones fault, but it feels like shit to watch my friends move on. It makes me feel like I really am just meant to be alone.

On top of that, ive started hyperfixating on something new and its making me ignore all my fucking responsibilities. I feel like im going crazy.

Ive gone down a rabbithole of people who want to change their race and "transition" to a different race. Which feels wrong but im having a hard time articulating why. Like, gender and race are both social constructs, so I understand why one would say if gender transition is real, so is race transitioning. And like, i do think race and gender function differently, but i find it hard to articulate why. Im kinda stuck trying to find a coherent response.

I feel so sleepy all the time for no reason. Why do i feel like im not getting any sleep.

i woke up really unmotivated and tired ughhh. but i have so much to do. last night the kittens gave me a lot of trouble. they kept biting me and and jumping around my room, they made a mess... gonna have to clean all that up.

Just had the biggest dinner of my life and im so exhausted from it... i have chores to do but i need to get some rest.

today was a good day! i feel very tired, but i was very productive and im very proud of that.

today was very unproductive, but i did talk to my psychiatrist and she's upping my sleep meds which i think is gonna help.

i'm trying to get into lucid dreaming again. i've always been obsessed with the idea ever since i was a kid, and i've had lucid dreams here and there, but nothing too interesting for the most part. but i've always wanted to become more dedicated about it and actually learn to control it. hopefully this time i actually stick with it, since it is a big goal for me!

last night i had a dream about lucid dreaming. not a lucid dream though. i was either learning about it or talking about it to someone. i cant remember very well. what an ironic dream to have though. at the very least, i think it shows lucid dreaming is on my mind, which means i'm on the right track.