that good old fashioned razzmatazz

 im writing this at 5am, barely conscious because i just randomly woke up, and i will not check for typos, i just really need to get this out of my brain im whatever way is possible.

ocd is like a parasite. but its also like a guy in my brain who lives only to torment me. i dont like them.

i wish my brain was mine. i wish my thoughts were mine. i wish i was fucking normal. but it always feels like there is this force inside me, telling me things, constantly screaming in my head and i cant even understand what its saying because its so fast, so much, too much, i dont know what it wants from me. it makes me feel insane.

i keep telling myself that im not to trust that voice. its never been right before. its a liar. i guess thats true. but it feels like it has altered my perception. i know its just my brain playing a sick joke on me. and i know with time things will make sense again and i will not feel so confused. but roght now i feel scared and stupid and weird and i dont know what anything is.

 today was a nice day. but i think a lot about my dog lately, and how he's old and probably wont live much longer and i feel so.... hollow. its a really strange feeling.

today was a really rough day. my ocd was really bad. i feel super uneasy.

i was so overwhelmed, i skipped two things i had planned. i feel pathetic.

tomorrow i see my therapist and we discuss the stuff with my sister. im so fucking anxious.

 last night was fucking tough. i told my friend about my suspicions about being an emotional incest victim and they told me everything i was describing sounded really bad and concerning and that my sister sounded like a bad person. that kinda hurt to hear?

today was boring. just watched a bunch of bojack horseman, which was really interesting, but doesnt give me tons to talk about. 

i think im gonna watch a little more and then call a friend. this week has been rough.

 I've been really going through it emotionally, as you can probably see from my recent posts. Life has just been weird, but also today I got my period which explains why it's been soooo intense.

But I feel like my head is clearer now. So here's a more coherent post.

Yes, I'm very upset by the slow realization some of the stuff that happened to me as a kid probably qualifies as covert incest/non physical sexual abuse. Just writing about it makes my skin crawl. But I'm no longer about to have a panic attack over it. I can hold on until my next therapy appointment. It's just gonna be really hard to talk about.

I've been feeling incredibly lonely but I'm coping a little better with it. No, I'm not doomed to die alone, I'm just in a position where friendships are a bit trickier. And it's okay to take some time figuring it out. 

I watched two more movies this week and I want to talk about them.

Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person: Very fun and cute. However, I found myself a bit underwhelmed by it because I think it really wasted the opportunity to have some interesting commentary about suicidal ideation, which was soooo easy to make and I almost thought rhat's where it was going. But I think as a fantasy for depressed people it works.

I hate myself :) : This documentary pissed me off. It has an interesting premise but then it just wastes it by having nothing interesting to say. I could probably say something more about it, but it was just so obnoxious, I find it hard to put into words how much it bothered me lol.

 i used to think i was above becoming hopelessly attracted to mediocre men who kinda suck. evidently im not because i keep thinking about  how badly i want this annoying, boring guy to want me. i think hes really unintetesting, kind of an idiot and inconsiderate. i know i deserve better. but for some stupid reason, i still want him to want me.

im not gonna indulge in this, but i am trying to be more forgiving of my... embarrassing urges. is it a little pathetic? yeah, but i think every one is allowed to be pathetic and have bad judgement once in a while. its part of being human, right?

 i got into an argument with some of my friends and its all been solved but its been so lame and awkward, and i kinda dont trust our bonds the way o used to. i feel so resentful.

i keep feeling like time is moving too fast and too slow. every morning i wake up and im dissociating. i feel lonely. i want to make friends. but i feel so useless at it. 

anyway. i want to spend some time with my dog and then go on a walk. i should also get ready for class

feel like i only remember to post here when im feeling like shit.

i had a really bad ocd episode. i started thinking about consciousness, specifically the idea that consciousness is limited. which lead my brain to bizarre conclusions. i dislike talking about it but i do think ocd gets better when you tell others about it and arent afraid to verbalise it.

i essentially reached the conclusion that being focused in an activity means that, for that moment you believe nothing else but what is directly in front of you exists. so all your memories of other people, places, etc didnt exist to you for that moment.

ive since realized this isnt a very coherent thought process. obviously you cannot be aware of everything at once but you always have a sense of general awareness of the world around you and in fact you need it to be able to contextualize what is happening to you in that moment. however im still confused as to how im able to like... Compartmentalize such complex information i guess? I always have a sense of my friends, my family, my pets, the things i like and am interested in animals, society, culture, the space i exist in and the physics that govern it. I always have a sense my body exists, and i always have a feeling of my inner world. And the moment i became hyperaware of this is it kinda broke my brain. I think its partially because i struggled to tell the difference between "knowing everything at all times" vs "having a general and vague awareness of the world around you." But it's also because even then, that's still a lot to retain, and we still don't fully know how the brain does that. OCD loves things that are unclear and uncertain, so it latched onto this and told me the only explanation was that in that moment i had forgotten the outside world existed. That in that moment i was a robot doing things with no context of what came before or what existed outside that particular moment (which... If that was the case how would I be asking myself those things in the first place?).

I got so freaked out by this idea that I started to dissociate. I started thinking the only way i could possibly be retaining all that information must be if i had multiple people living in my body, all holding different pieces of the context.

So i started having panic attacks and dissociating. I nearly self harmed and my thoughts became genuinely incoherent. It was so hard to follow them.

Ive started taking my medication again and calmed down significantly. I can more clearly identify why my thought process didnt make sense but the way consciousness, memory and all that works is still freaking me out so much. And in the moment it got so bad i almost self harmed. Ive talked with my psychiatrist and ive been given an ocd diagnosis. Which i already knew but its good to have confirmation and this will help point me in the right direction.

OCD has been stressing me out so much lately. 

I feel like my brain is broken beyond repair. Like I will never get better or feel at peace again. I realize this is unlikely, but the fear feels so real. I have so much to do and my brain doesnt help, I feel like I cant relax at all.

Im gonna try to have some fun for a bit and then finish all the chores I need to do. Maybe this will help me get some clarity.

Revently ive felt a huge discomfort being in my room. I hate it so fucking much. I want to actually make it look like its mine. Or just... get a different room, but I think that might take forever.

So im going to focus the next week on getting it cleaned up and then im going to actually look into decorating it like i want to. I want to feel like a fucking person with some semblance of individuality.

im gonna talk to my dad abt helping me with it once im done cleaning.

i also reaaaally need to study. ugh.