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UGHHH i wrote an entire draft and was about to post it but accidentally reloaded the page so i lost everything!! here it goes again.
my last therapy appointment was really nice. it put a lot of things into perspective. she encouraged me to be kinder to myself and helped me realize much of self loathing comes from things my sister or mother have told me before. and i knew that to some extent, but hearing someone else say it was very validating and helpful. my thoughts are not their own, and i don't have to be caged by their expectations. i've been following her advice and been kind to myself this week. things haven't been "perfect" but they don't have to, and i'm allowed to feel relaxed without being ashamed.
we talked a lot about my sister, and i think i want to expand on that next appointment. my relationship with her has always been turbulent. it's difficult to put into words how at different points of my life it's been different kinds of dysfunctional.
when i was a child, she was everything i wanted to be, and i think looking up to her was often detrimental. it made me feel like i was nothing without her approval, and it hurt so deeply when we didn't see eye to eye. it didn't help that she was very much not equipped to handle a child, considering her own mental issues. so she often acted harshly, inappopriately. she hurt me emotionally a few times, i think because she didn't know any better. at the same time, she taught me a lot. i wouldn't be the person i am if not for the values she instilled in me, and she took care of me when she noticed my mental health issues becoming more prominent. she was the only one who knew what it was like, and she helped me through it.
when i was a teenager, she was my safe space. i would go to her and we could have intellectually challenging vonversations, something i couldn't do with the rest of my family. we bonded a lot over our interests, and she was the only person i could talk to about my troubles and feel like she would understand. with her i didn't have to pretend things were okay, and that was freeing.
i grew a bit older, and we grew distant. my mental health got worse, and i suspect hers did too. she became harsh, distant, she didn't agree with the way i wanted to handle things, and she said things that were mean and hurtful. it made me lose so much trust in her.
things got a bit better, but i could tell she wasn't very mentally stable. and now... well. it's not very good. we act cordial, we talk to each other, but we no longer have intimate conversations. she's become hyper religious and with that she's become really... bigoted and intolerant.
it's made me reflect a lot on my thoughts on religion. i am against anti theism, i think it's a very stupid and unhelpful way to look at things. but i don't see how it's okay to justify horrible beliefs if they come from religion. i think religion needs to compliment your beliefs, not be the basis for them. you need to be aware of the world around you, the things we know about it and use that to inform your ethics and beliefs and then add relgion as a compliment, not the other way around. because basing your world view entirely on something that cannot be proven is just so likely to lead to this. you have to come to terms with how religion can never be known to be true, and in that acknowledgement accept different beliefs as no less valid or likely than yours. you can't believe something is right or wrong simply because your religion says so, being critical of aspects of your religion and being able to develop your own perceptions is good! critical thinking is good and does not make your faith lesser.
anyway. i guess i'm really angry at my sister for becoming such a toxic person, but i also feel sad because i don't want to imagine her doing things that aren't good for her because she thinks it's what her god would want. she's thinking of getting back with her ex and marrying him purely for religious reasons and the thought makes me ill. i can't imagine wasting my life away like that.
i want her to be happy, but this way she'll never be. and i can't really do more than come to terms with that, because i can't change her decisions.
it's especially disappointing to see her fall down this hole of intolerance because the entire reason i'm as socially conscious as i am is because she taught me to be. i wouldn't be as passionate about making the world a better place if she didn't teach me that. it feels like a bit of a personal betrayal, you know?
but well. that's for my therapist to hear.
my last therapy appointment was really nice. it put a lot of things into perspective. she encouraged me to be kinder to myself and helped me realize much of self loathing comes from things my sister or mother have told me before. and i knew that to some extent, but hearing someone else say it was very validating and helpful. my thoughts are not their own, and i don't have to be caged by their expectations. i've been following her advice and been kind to myself this week. things haven't been "perfect" but they don't have to, and i'm allowed to feel relaxed without being ashamed.
we talked a lot about my sister, and i think i want to expand on that next appointment. my relationship with her has always been turbulent. it's difficult to put into words how at different points of my life it's been different kinds of dysfunctional.
when i was a child, she was everything i wanted to be, and i think looking up to her was often detrimental. it made me feel like i was nothing without her approval, and it hurt so deeply when we didn't see eye to eye. it didn't help that she was very much not equipped to handle a child, considering her own mental issues. so she often acted harshly, inappopriately. she hurt me emotionally a few times, i think because she didn't know any better. at the same time, she taught me a lot. i wouldn't be the person i am if not for the values she instilled in me, and she took care of me when she noticed my mental health issues becoming more prominent. she was the only one who knew what it was like, and she helped me through it.
when i was a teenager, she was my safe space. i would go to her and we could have intellectually challenging vonversations, something i couldn't do with the rest of my family. we bonded a lot over our interests, and she was the only person i could talk to about my troubles and feel like she would understand. with her i didn't have to pretend things were okay, and that was freeing.
i grew a bit older, and we grew distant. my mental health got worse, and i suspect hers did too. she became harsh, distant, she didn't agree with the way i wanted to handle things, and she said things that were mean and hurtful. it made me lose so much trust in her.
things got a bit better, but i could tell she wasn't very mentally stable. and now... well. it's not very good. we act cordial, we talk to each other, but we no longer have intimate conversations. she's become hyper religious and with that she's become really... bigoted and intolerant.
it's made me reflect a lot on my thoughts on religion. i am against anti theism, i think it's a very stupid and unhelpful way to look at things. but i don't see how it's okay to justify horrible beliefs if they come from religion. i think religion needs to compliment your beliefs, not be the basis for them. you need to be aware of the world around you, the things we know about it and use that to inform your ethics and beliefs and then add relgion as a compliment, not the other way around. because basing your world view entirely on something that cannot be proven is just so likely to lead to this. you have to come to terms with how religion can never be known to be true, and in that acknowledgement accept different beliefs as no less valid or likely than yours. you can't believe something is right or wrong simply because your religion says so, being critical of aspects of your religion and being able to develop your own perceptions is good! critical thinking is good and does not make your faith lesser.
anyway. i guess i'm really angry at my sister for becoming such a toxic person, but i also feel sad because i don't want to imagine her doing things that aren't good for her because she thinks it's what her god would want. she's thinking of getting back with her ex and marrying him purely for religious reasons and the thought makes me ill. i can't imagine wasting my life away like that.
i want her to be happy, but this way she'll never be. and i can't really do more than come to terms with that, because i can't change her decisions.
it's especially disappointing to see her fall down this hole of intolerance because the entire reason i'm as socially conscious as i am is because she taught me to be. i wouldn't be as passionate about making the world a better place if she didn't teach me that. it feels like a bit of a personal betrayal, you know?
but well. that's for my therapist to hear.
