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Oct. 25th, 2024 01:02 amwoah, these have been a rough couple of days.
first of all, i've just been feeling kind of overwhelmed with everything. it's hard to get anything done because i keep getting brain blocks. i feel stressed.
stuff with my family isn't great. it's never been great. i love them but they are not functional and being around them sometimes feels like poison. i feel so drained from their presence and it makes me want to cry and scream and i feel dramatic for thinking that, but it's honest.
yesterday was also kind of a weird day. i found myself watching an iceberg video about nsfl media/gore/shock videos. whatever you want to call it. and it was legitimately fascinating and discussed some interesting aspects of it, like how it's used for racism and the politics that surround those videos. i found it so thoughtful and carefully made, but the subject matter was horrific and they still went into a lot of detail about the videos themselves and as fascinating as i do find it, that type of stuff is just not fun to think about. it left me feeling really sick and while i do feel better now, it was a bit of a distressing time for me.
i have been feeling incredibly depressed lately. i feel sad and unloved and so disconnected from people i used to love. it has been really tough growing out of some of my friendships, and i've been trying to process that, and it just makes me feel really alone. i want more company in my life but i don't even know where to find it.
and today also sucked health wise! ugh. i woke up with a migraine and the pain has been bothering me all day, i'm really nervous i will go to sleep and then just wake up tomorrow with another migraine. and i feel like no one in my family really understands that this is a disability and that there is only so much i can do about it. it will debilitate me. i can't just not be disabled because it isn't convenient. my migraines are very linked to my stress so i think all the anxiety i've been feeling lately has definitely not helped.
so life has kinda sucked lately. but it isn't terrible. today i called with a friend and we played stupid shit on roblox and i felt warm and fuzzy and happy. it was really nice, and we will call soon to watch a show together. i feel like i've grown closer to them, which has been nice because they are smart and funny and nice to talk to.
i am listening to daft punk right now and it is great. i adore them, and am so passionate about them. they are such a huge comfort for me. i am very eager to return to work on my video essay about them. it's just taking a long time because it's a lot of work and i also don't always have the energy for it, but i am proud of what i have so far. i'm halfway through my first draft of the script and thinking about making it come to life makes me excited.
i've been watching transformers: rescue bots, as i mentioned, and that has also been a big comfort. i am so close to finishing it and i'm excited to share my thoughts about it here once i'm done.
i want to write here more. i've found that it's such a good way to decompress and get my thoughts in order. i feel less overwhelmed. i should also write in my diary more. thinking about that gives me the impulse to get up and read my diary again, but it's late and i want to get some sleep. it can wait until tomorrow.
first of all, i've just been feeling kind of overwhelmed with everything. it's hard to get anything done because i keep getting brain blocks. i feel stressed.
stuff with my family isn't great. it's never been great. i love them but they are not functional and being around them sometimes feels like poison. i feel so drained from their presence and it makes me want to cry and scream and i feel dramatic for thinking that, but it's honest.
yesterday was also kind of a weird day. i found myself watching an iceberg video about nsfl media/gore/shock videos. whatever you want to call it. and it was legitimately fascinating and discussed some interesting aspects of it, like how it's used for racism and the politics that surround those videos. i found it so thoughtful and carefully made, but the subject matter was horrific and they still went into a lot of detail about the videos themselves and as fascinating as i do find it, that type of stuff is just not fun to think about. it left me feeling really sick and while i do feel better now, it was a bit of a distressing time for me.
i have been feeling incredibly depressed lately. i feel sad and unloved and so disconnected from people i used to love. it has been really tough growing out of some of my friendships, and i've been trying to process that, and it just makes me feel really alone. i want more company in my life but i don't even know where to find it.
and today also sucked health wise! ugh. i woke up with a migraine and the pain has been bothering me all day, i'm really nervous i will go to sleep and then just wake up tomorrow with another migraine. and i feel like no one in my family really understands that this is a disability and that there is only so much i can do about it. it will debilitate me. i can't just not be disabled because it isn't convenient. my migraines are very linked to my stress so i think all the anxiety i've been feeling lately has definitely not helped.
so life has kinda sucked lately. but it isn't terrible. today i called with a friend and we played stupid shit on roblox and i felt warm and fuzzy and happy. it was really nice, and we will call soon to watch a show together. i feel like i've grown closer to them, which has been nice because they are smart and funny and nice to talk to.
i am listening to daft punk right now and it is great. i adore them, and am so passionate about them. they are such a huge comfort for me. i am very eager to return to work on my video essay about them. it's just taking a long time because it's a lot of work and i also don't always have the energy for it, but i am proud of what i have so far. i'm halfway through my first draft of the script and thinking about making it come to life makes me excited.
i've been watching transformers: rescue bots, as i mentioned, and that has also been a big comfort. i am so close to finishing it and i'm excited to share my thoughts about it here once i'm done.
i want to write here more. i've found that it's such a good way to decompress and get my thoughts in order. i feel less overwhelmed. i should also write in my diary more. thinking about that gives me the impulse to get up and read my diary again, but it's late and i want to get some sleep. it can wait until tomorrow.
