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recovery journal - day 9
Jun. 1st, 2025 12:13 amtoday was a bit better. i dissociated a little less and found myself more upbeat, although right now i feel very loopy.
the existential thoughts keep getting to me. i get this feeling that i am a puppet on a show, that each of my actions has been written down and i am just going along with the script unwillingly. it sucks.
a friend recently told me, even if my whole life was already determined, i see my life through my eyes and not through the eyes of the universe. but i still feel so freaked out even when trying to apply that perspective. im trying to tell myself that even if some of my behavior and thoughts are predictable, it doesnt have to mean im not my own individual. i feel a bit woozy thinking about this stuff.
thoughts in general are scary to me. like, where are they coming from? how can i think? in what way do i have control over them and my actions? luckily i see my therapist soon, so hopefully i will get to really dig into this stuff with her in a way that is less detrimental.
the existential thoughts keep getting to me. i get this feeling that i am a puppet on a show, that each of my actions has been written down and i am just going along with the script unwillingly. it sucks.
a friend recently told me, even if my whole life was already determined, i see my life through my eyes and not through the eyes of the universe. but i still feel so freaked out even when trying to apply that perspective. im trying to tell myself that even if some of my behavior and thoughts are predictable, it doesnt have to mean im not my own individual. i feel a bit woozy thinking about this stuff.
thoughts in general are scary to me. like, where are they coming from? how can i think? in what way do i have control over them and my actions? luckily i see my therapist soon, so hopefully i will get to really dig into this stuff with her in a way that is less detrimental.
