(no subject)

[leejooheon]

 Today was hard. I got really overwhelmed thinking about having to socialize tomorrow that it triggered a short panic attack. And I then started getting lots of awful thoughts about how nothing will get better and how I am too fucked up to form meaningful relationships with others. I feel tired, but I also don't want to fall asleep because tomorrow will come quicker which I really don't want. I'm exhausted emotionally speaking and I feel really sad. 

I've been thinking about how disheartening it is to get older while still being severely mentally ill. When I was a teenager, it felt like there was still time. But now I'm almost 20 and I've gone from a miserable teen to a miserable adult, and it feels a little pathetic. 

I remember a long time ago I was talking with an older friend, and I guess to cheer me up he said brains are weird at my age and it would likely get vetter as I got older. And I hated this because I knew this wasn't the case. I knew that my depression and anxiety were, at least in part, caused by my enviroment and general life being extremely unhappy, and that aging wouldn't on its own make it better. I was right. It hasn't gotten better because my circumstances have not changed... and it makes me feel weirdly angry at this friend. It makes me want to tell them "See? I'm too fucked up to age out of this and you don't know me as well as you think you do."

That has always been a frustration of mine. I constantly feel like my friends don't actually know how deeply fucked up I am, and they therefore have sn idealized version of me in their heads. This pisses me off. How dare they think I'm better than I actually am and make me think they actually love me.

I feel so tired of everything. I want to die so I can stop feeling like this but the idea of death terrifies me. It's a really weird contradiction.

Sorry if there are any typos in this. I'll fix them tomorrow, but right now I just need to vent.

Comments

[profiterole_reads]

It's tough, but maybe there will be more efficient meds in time. *hugs*

What activity did you plan on doing?

[einhornmaedchen]

*hugs*
I can relate to so much of what you write in here. However, without meaning to sound patronizing - 20 is still so young! Of course there's no way for me to know your exact circumstances so I won't be like "it will definitely get better" but from my own experience I will at least say that it is possible. ♥

[leejooheon]

i was going to meet up with some family members. thankfully it really didn't go as badly as my brain expected it to.

[leejooheon]

no worries, this doesn't sound patronizing. i do often forget i'm really not that old, and i do hope things will improve with a little bit more work. i was just frustrated when i wrote this, so things like that weren't really crossing my mind.

[profiterole_reads]

It's nice it went all right. :-)

[einhornmaedchen]

i was just frustrated when i wrote this, so things like that weren't really crossing my mind.
I sure do know what that feels like ♥