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TW: Discussions of grooming
My groomer and I met online when I was 13. They were 18.
We became really good friends very soon! At a certain point, I started looking forward to talking to them every single day. We soon started sharing very personal things with each other, and by the time I was 14, our conversations started taking on a sexual context. We talked about masturbation with each other, and we did sexual role plays of our favorite ships. We became a couple not long after.
The relationship didn't last long. We were both very mentally ill, so even outside of the age gap, we had very shitty effects on each other. I was very codependent and would constantly threaten to break up with them when I had breakdowns because I felt like I was not worthy to be loved by them, and at a certain point that drained them really severely.
I think that's a good example of how relationships can be nuanced. I was, objectively, a victim, and I will fight anyone who tells me otherwise. But I guess I find it interesting how despite that, I had a really negative effect on their well being. Not sure what to make of that, it's just interesting.
They broke up with me over this, and I became distant from them for the sake of my mental health. I was a wreck after that break up, and even though I've gotten so much better, I still look back on it as one of the worst mental health periods of my life. I was 16 when we broke up, they were 21.
We started talking again after a while, and I found myself feeling infatuated again. They told me they felt the same, but we never did anything about it. We just acknowledged we felt attracted to each other and that was that.
But then, as time went by, I started feeling really strange. I was getting older, and I had some online friends that were younger than me. I realized the idea of having those sorts of conversations with them felt really disgusting. When I talked to those friends, I didn't even have to think about keeping things appropriate, I just did. I think people who act like intergenerational friendships are inherently dangerous are really ridiculous, it's all about the boundaries. As someone who has befriended much older people, somewhat younger people, and who has been taken advantage of, I understand that concept and I wish others did too. But that's besides the point. I felt strange about the idea of talking to someone younger than me the way talked to me, it's what I mean. And that's when I realize something was seriously off about that relationship.
We talk about it, and they apologized. I felt good about it for a little bit. But I soon realize that wasn't any type of closure, and I ended up blocking them everywhere.
But I still know their tumblr, and once in a while I liked checking their account just to see what they were up to. I don't know why. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me angry. But I did it anyway.
They haven't updated in months and it drives me insane. I'm not sure what the psychology of that is. I guess I just want to know how they live with themselves after doing something like that. Last I checked, they had a partner, and I kept thinking "Do they know you used to talk to 14 year olds about wanting to fuck them?"
I don't know. I guess deep down, I just really want them to feel bad about themself
My groomer and I met online when I was 13. They were 18.
We became really good friends very soon! At a certain point, I started looking forward to talking to them every single day. We soon started sharing very personal things with each other, and by the time I was 14, our conversations started taking on a sexual context. We talked about masturbation with each other, and we did sexual role plays of our favorite ships. We became a couple not long after.
The relationship didn't last long. We were both very mentally ill, so even outside of the age gap, we had very shitty effects on each other. I was very codependent and would constantly threaten to break up with them when I had breakdowns because I felt like I was not worthy to be loved by them, and at a certain point that drained them really severely.
I think that's a good example of how relationships can be nuanced. I was, objectively, a victim, and I will fight anyone who tells me otherwise. But I guess I find it interesting how despite that, I had a really negative effect on their well being. Not sure what to make of that, it's just interesting.
They broke up with me over this, and I became distant from them for the sake of my mental health. I was a wreck after that break up, and even though I've gotten so much better, I still look back on it as one of the worst mental health periods of my life. I was 16 when we broke up, they were 21.
We started talking again after a while, and I found myself feeling infatuated again. They told me they felt the same, but we never did anything about it. We just acknowledged we felt attracted to each other and that was that.
But then, as time went by, I started feeling really strange. I was getting older, and I had some online friends that were younger than me. I realized the idea of having those sorts of conversations with them felt really disgusting. When I talked to those friends, I didn't even have to think about keeping things appropriate, I just did. I think people who act like intergenerational friendships are inherently dangerous are really ridiculous, it's all about the boundaries. As someone who has befriended much older people, somewhat younger people, and who has been taken advantage of, I understand that concept and I wish others did too. But that's besides the point. I felt strange about the idea of talking to someone younger than me the way talked to me, it's what I mean. And that's when I realize something was seriously off about that relationship.
We talk about it, and they apologized. I felt good about it for a little bit. But I soon realize that wasn't any type of closure, and I ended up blocking them everywhere.
But I still know their tumblr, and once in a while I liked checking their account just to see what they were up to. I don't know why. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me angry. But I did it anyway.
They haven't updated in months and it drives me insane. I'm not sure what the psychology of that is. I guess I just want to know how they live with themselves after doing something like that. Last I checked, they had a partner, and I kept thinking "Do they know you used to talk to 14 year olds about wanting to fuck them?"
I don't know. I guess deep down, I just really want them to feel bad about themself
