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writing all this out so it will hopefully clear my head.
i think i have this obsession with knowing myself fully. i dislike uncertainty, so i dislike that i cant ever know everything there is to know about myself. it isnt inherently a bad thing, its just something i struggle with because im weird and mentally ill about this stuff.
so idk. im trying to be more accepting. i dont have to know everything. its fine to do introspection but when its the only thing i do thats kind of defeating the point. it just becomes another destructive behavior.
i feel uncomfortable in my own head a lot of the time. i wonder a lot about my identity and the reasons i turned out the way i did. what does it mean to be a person? what does it mean to be me specifically? i dont think theres any objective meaning of life. i think its a subjective thing and everyone finds theirs along the way, and some never truly find it. so i dont know the answers to those big questions about what it means to be human, i think everyone figures out what that means to them, and thats all they really have to do. at its simplest, its about being a member of a particular species. but thats not necessarily what people are asking to themselves when they have those questions. its about why we do what we do and that answer is different for everybody.
for me i think it has always been about finding happiness. i think life for me is about making good memories and enjoying the ride. its also about doing good to the best of my ability. so i guess things are rather simple from my perspective, at least in terms of what i want.
i have a lot of questions lately about my inner self. i find myself so overwhelmed when i remember how unfathomably complex human beings are, and how much is going in my brain and body at all times that allows me to be me. it causes me to depersonalize when i remember that there are so many things going on at once that i cant even perceive, because its difficult to comprehend that thats me. but im trying to find peace with it. again, it all goes back to this obsession with knowing everything there is to know, and this is something i need to let go. i am the product of all these mysterious processes happening, they are what allow me to exist, and i do not need to fully get it to understand that its a part or me.
i ask myself what i am a lot, and thats also hard to answer. i dont know if i have the language to articulate it. im one perspective among many i suppose. i sometimes picture my mind as this big forest that is constantly growing and expanding. i think everyone is a blank slate initially, but then the world leaves a mark on us, it transforms us, and we transform it back. so i think maybe thats what it means to be a human, to me. to transform and be transformed in such an intricate way.
i really struggle with the way my thoughts come and go. my mind tends to move quick, so i have a lot of thoughts that are kind of useless and non sensical. i used to find them fun, they added a little bit of charm to my day to day, but lately they disturb me, because i cant easily make sense of them. but i think theyre kind of inevitable. we live in the present moment, so obviously our thoughts are geared towards what is happening to us now, but our past memories and experiences, our past ideas and desires, they are still there, they dont go anywhere, so of course sometimes they slip past the front and distract from whatever it is you're doing at that time. it happens. it doesnt have to be a big deal. i dont have to pay attention to those thoughts if i dont actually want to.
my thoughts on the present are often just as confusing. i keep wondering why certain ideas come to me, and sometimes i have a clear answer but i dont always do. i guess its just about whatever the present evokes in me, and what i do with it once i have felt it and analyzed it.
ultimately, it boils down to this: i am a complex being and i do things for complex reasons, and i cant always know them. this is something i need to grow comfortable with. i will deal with things as they come to me, because i believe i am equipped to that. i wont always know whats right, but its in my nature to try, and that goes a long way. it will all be fine. i dont need to know everything.
i think i have this obsession with knowing myself fully. i dislike uncertainty, so i dislike that i cant ever know everything there is to know about myself. it isnt inherently a bad thing, its just something i struggle with because im weird and mentally ill about this stuff.
so idk. im trying to be more accepting. i dont have to know everything. its fine to do introspection but when its the only thing i do thats kind of defeating the point. it just becomes another destructive behavior.
i feel uncomfortable in my own head a lot of the time. i wonder a lot about my identity and the reasons i turned out the way i did. what does it mean to be a person? what does it mean to be me specifically? i dont think theres any objective meaning of life. i think its a subjective thing and everyone finds theirs along the way, and some never truly find it. so i dont know the answers to those big questions about what it means to be human, i think everyone figures out what that means to them, and thats all they really have to do. at its simplest, its about being a member of a particular species. but thats not necessarily what people are asking to themselves when they have those questions. its about why we do what we do and that answer is different for everybody.
for me i think it has always been about finding happiness. i think life for me is about making good memories and enjoying the ride. its also about doing good to the best of my ability. so i guess things are rather simple from my perspective, at least in terms of what i want.
i have a lot of questions lately about my inner self. i find myself so overwhelmed when i remember how unfathomably complex human beings are, and how much is going in my brain and body at all times that allows me to be me. it causes me to depersonalize when i remember that there are so many things going on at once that i cant even perceive, because its difficult to comprehend that thats me. but im trying to find peace with it. again, it all goes back to this obsession with knowing everything there is to know, and this is something i need to let go. i am the product of all these mysterious processes happening, they are what allow me to exist, and i do not need to fully get it to understand that its a part or me.
i ask myself what i am a lot, and thats also hard to answer. i dont know if i have the language to articulate it. im one perspective among many i suppose. i sometimes picture my mind as this big forest that is constantly growing and expanding. i think everyone is a blank slate initially, but then the world leaves a mark on us, it transforms us, and we transform it back. so i think maybe thats what it means to be a human, to me. to transform and be transformed in such an intricate way.
i really struggle with the way my thoughts come and go. my mind tends to move quick, so i have a lot of thoughts that are kind of useless and non sensical. i used to find them fun, they added a little bit of charm to my day to day, but lately they disturb me, because i cant easily make sense of them. but i think theyre kind of inevitable. we live in the present moment, so obviously our thoughts are geared towards what is happening to us now, but our past memories and experiences, our past ideas and desires, they are still there, they dont go anywhere, so of course sometimes they slip past the front and distract from whatever it is you're doing at that time. it happens. it doesnt have to be a big deal. i dont have to pay attention to those thoughts if i dont actually want to.
my thoughts on the present are often just as confusing. i keep wondering why certain ideas come to me, and sometimes i have a clear answer but i dont always do. i guess its just about whatever the present evokes in me, and what i do with it once i have felt it and analyzed it.
ultimately, it boils down to this: i am a complex being and i do things for complex reasons, and i cant always know them. this is something i need to grow comfortable with. i will deal with things as they come to me, because i believe i am equipped to that. i wont always know whats right, but its in my nature to try, and that goes a long way. it will all be fine. i dont need to know everything.
