leejooheon | (no subject)

today i had my first english class with a teacher my sister hired (a friend of hers). it was interesting. he was nice, but i felt awkward and stupid. i have to write an essay for homework. i really dont feel like doing it, but alas.

i feel really overwhelmed by all the stuff i need to do. i feel like my time management and my energy is not good enough for it.

i've been feeling weird about my gender lately. like, my identity is somehow wrong or shameful. i know there's no reason to force myself to choose between man and woman as labels, and i'm not hurting anyone by switching back and forth. but i feel so embarrassed thinking about how this may be perceived. like i'm pretending, essentially, or lying to myself. i think this may be my ocd talking.

i feel like my male names don't click the way i want them to. i may need to start searching for a new one? i want a male name that feels truly mine. but nothing does.

anyway. i need to deal with my ocd, in general. so i will try some exposure therapy later. right now i just want to sleep, honestly. ugh, i feel so stressed out.