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i first realized i liked women when i was around 5. i was kind of... precocious, and i experienced sexual attraction at a very early age. i realized i liked women when i found myself aroused by the thought of them. at the time, it wasn't anything more than horniness. all my crushes at the time were boys, so it didn't feel like my interest in women was something to think too much about. i knew about queerness, and i knew there wasn't anything wrong with it, but i also knew it was considered abnormal and that homophobia was a thing. so i decided to not think about it. that would be for older me to deal with.
by the time i became 10, my sexual thoughts about women became so much stronger, and i was starting to think about some of my female classmates romantically. i wouldn't describe them as crushes, but it was definitely a growing curiosity. i realized it was time to think about this part about myself, and maybe tell someone else about it.
i told my sister first, and she was very nice about it. she told me she also liked boys and girls, and suddenly some of our conversations about women started to make a lot of sense. it felt nice to get it out there and accept this part about myself. i decided i was bisexual, but i liked boys more than i liked girls.
despite how shy and anxious i am nowadays, as a kid i was quite the friendly person, and i got along with a majority of my classmates. i trusted them, and i was eager to share this part about myself, so i ended up coming out to them and it went quite well. looking back, i should have been more careful, i could have been in some real trouble if anyone with the wrong intentions found out, but i was very lucky that the kids around me were very supportive and just thought it was kind of cool. when i became a teenager, i became more isolated, but i did share with some of my classmates that i was bi. i'm not sure why i was so eager to tell people when i was younger, nowadays it's not something that matters to me much. but i guess it must have been important to me then, i don't remember.
the more important development happened when i experienced my first crush on a "girl." as it turns out, he was actually a trans guy, but he wouldn't figure that out about himself until much later on, so for all i knew he was just a lesbian. i met him online, we were both mentally ill queer kids in fandom, and we clicked really well. i was infatuated. for a long time, i had presumed that i had a preference in men, but i had never felt anything like this. this felt so much deeper. all my previous crushes were passing attractions, but this felt like so much more. it was the first time i liked someone in a way that wasn't just "oh, they're kind of cute." it was more like "i genuinely care about you and you make me happier." sappy, i know, but it's true.
he was aromantic, so that ended up not going anywhere. i was pretty disappointed by that, but we continued to be friends for a long time until we lost touch.
i've talked many times on this journal about how i was groomed online. i wish i could skip that part of the story, but if i'm going to talk about my queerness i can't really ignore this, as much as i wish i could. it was a fundamental part of me discovering my prefences.
i met them on a similar way as my previous crush. we shared a bunch of fandoms online, and we became really close, and soon i was sure i had a crush on them. they identified as a girl at the time, but that eventually also changed. funny how that happened twice, huh? regardless, we ended up dating and i was swooning. this wasn't a crush, i was in love. i was foolish and i genuinely thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. obviously that wasn't the case, but it made me realize something. i didn't just like women, i loved them. and suddenly, i really didn't want relationships with men. it just... really lost its appeal.
one depressing part about this, is that even though i've had feelings for others since, nothing really compares to what i felt for this person. i hate that the way i realized how strong my relationships for women really are was in a gross predatory relationship, and i hate that they are the person i've liked the most. i really hope one day i meet someone who makes me feel that but... in a better way. i don't want that to be my strongest romantic memory, but that's a story for another day.
it was because of this relationship that i ended up coming out to my mother. it was... kind of humilliating. the break up absolutely ruined me, and i ended up having a horrible mental spiral where i was forced to ask for help, and i had to tell my mother about why i was i feeling that way. she was understanding, and i skipped all the weird age gap stuff, because even at the time i sort of realized it would be perceived as weird. but now she knew i liked girls. we've never talked about it again.
after that, i had a few other crushes, all on girls i had close relationships with. i don't think i've ever been interested in guys beyond a very superficial level. even before i realized i didn't want to date guys, whenever i pictured myself dating one, breaking up with him was part of the fantasy, because having long lasting relationships with men was just unattractive. i was incapable of feeling romantically attracted to men.
that got pretty confusing. i started questioning if i was even bisexual, the idea of dating men was uncomfortable to me, because i purely wasn't capable of liking them in that way. but i was certainly attracted to men.
it was around that time that i was introduced to bisexual lesbian as a label. i was not receptive of it. i thought it was ridiculous, you couldn't be more than one thing. i had a short, regrettable phase where i was making fun of labels i didn't understand. but the sad part is, the label really spoke to me. it made sense, but i didn't want to use an "incorrect" term, so i completely rejected it. and so, i continued going back and forth between trying to figure out if i was bi or a lesbian or what.
eventually i got over myself, realized sexuality is complicated and that labels can be flexible depending on who uses them and i decided i was both. it's what makes sense to me. sexually, i dig people of all genders. romantically, i'm just into girls. i'm bisexual in one sense, and a lesbian in another.
and then i started to figure out all the gender stuff. i realized i wasn't entirely a woman when i started jokingly going by a male name and it felt right. i became extremely curious, and i started to explore masculinity. male pronouns really worked for me, and i even had male names that i liked using... but i was a girl. i was so sure of it. and i didn't even really feel like a man.
i did some exploring, and i decided i was bigender and genderfluid. i consider myself a cis girl, because that's what i was assigned at birth and i fully identify with that, but i am also kind of a guy. the word demiman works the most for me. i'm not fully a guy, not in a traditional sense. just somewhat. gender is strange.
i don't really know what the point of typing out all of this was. i guess i just wanted to talk about something deeply personal and important to me. since this journal is about my life, it feels fitting to talk about things like this.
by the time i became 10, my sexual thoughts about women became so much stronger, and i was starting to think about some of my female classmates romantically. i wouldn't describe them as crushes, but it was definitely a growing curiosity. i realized it was time to think about this part about myself, and maybe tell someone else about it.
i told my sister first, and she was very nice about it. she told me she also liked boys and girls, and suddenly some of our conversations about women started to make a lot of sense. it felt nice to get it out there and accept this part about myself. i decided i was bisexual, but i liked boys more than i liked girls.
despite how shy and anxious i am nowadays, as a kid i was quite the friendly person, and i got along with a majority of my classmates. i trusted them, and i was eager to share this part about myself, so i ended up coming out to them and it went quite well. looking back, i should have been more careful, i could have been in some real trouble if anyone with the wrong intentions found out, but i was very lucky that the kids around me were very supportive and just thought it was kind of cool. when i became a teenager, i became more isolated, but i did share with some of my classmates that i was bi. i'm not sure why i was so eager to tell people when i was younger, nowadays it's not something that matters to me much. but i guess it must have been important to me then, i don't remember.
the more important development happened when i experienced my first crush on a "girl." as it turns out, he was actually a trans guy, but he wouldn't figure that out about himself until much later on, so for all i knew he was just a lesbian. i met him online, we were both mentally ill queer kids in fandom, and we clicked really well. i was infatuated. for a long time, i had presumed that i had a preference in men, but i had never felt anything like this. this felt so much deeper. all my previous crushes were passing attractions, but this felt like so much more. it was the first time i liked someone in a way that wasn't just "oh, they're kind of cute." it was more like "i genuinely care about you and you make me happier." sappy, i know, but it's true.
he was aromantic, so that ended up not going anywhere. i was pretty disappointed by that, but we continued to be friends for a long time until we lost touch.
i've talked many times on this journal about how i was groomed online. i wish i could skip that part of the story, but if i'm going to talk about my queerness i can't really ignore this, as much as i wish i could. it was a fundamental part of me discovering my prefences.
i met them on a similar way as my previous crush. we shared a bunch of fandoms online, and we became really close, and soon i was sure i had a crush on them. they identified as a girl at the time, but that eventually also changed. funny how that happened twice, huh? regardless, we ended up dating and i was swooning. this wasn't a crush, i was in love. i was foolish and i genuinely thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. obviously that wasn't the case, but it made me realize something. i didn't just like women, i loved them. and suddenly, i really didn't want relationships with men. it just... really lost its appeal.
one depressing part about this, is that even though i've had feelings for others since, nothing really compares to what i felt for this person. i hate that the way i realized how strong my relationships for women really are was in a gross predatory relationship, and i hate that they are the person i've liked the most. i really hope one day i meet someone who makes me feel that but... in a better way. i don't want that to be my strongest romantic memory, but that's a story for another day.
it was because of this relationship that i ended up coming out to my mother. it was... kind of humilliating. the break up absolutely ruined me, and i ended up having a horrible mental spiral where i was forced to ask for help, and i had to tell my mother about why i was i feeling that way. she was understanding, and i skipped all the weird age gap stuff, because even at the time i sort of realized it would be perceived as weird. but now she knew i liked girls. we've never talked about it again.
after that, i had a few other crushes, all on girls i had close relationships with. i don't think i've ever been interested in guys beyond a very superficial level. even before i realized i didn't want to date guys, whenever i pictured myself dating one, breaking up with him was part of the fantasy, because having long lasting relationships with men was just unattractive. i was incapable of feeling romantically attracted to men.
that got pretty confusing. i started questioning if i was even bisexual, the idea of dating men was uncomfortable to me, because i purely wasn't capable of liking them in that way. but i was certainly attracted to men.
it was around that time that i was introduced to bisexual lesbian as a label. i was not receptive of it. i thought it was ridiculous, you couldn't be more than one thing. i had a short, regrettable phase where i was making fun of labels i didn't understand. but the sad part is, the label really spoke to me. it made sense, but i didn't want to use an "incorrect" term, so i completely rejected it. and so, i continued going back and forth between trying to figure out if i was bi or a lesbian or what.
eventually i got over myself, realized sexuality is complicated and that labels can be flexible depending on who uses them and i decided i was both. it's what makes sense to me. sexually, i dig people of all genders. romantically, i'm just into girls. i'm bisexual in one sense, and a lesbian in another.
and then i started to figure out all the gender stuff. i realized i wasn't entirely a woman when i started jokingly going by a male name and it felt right. i became extremely curious, and i started to explore masculinity. male pronouns really worked for me, and i even had male names that i liked using... but i was a girl. i was so sure of it. and i didn't even really feel like a man.
i did some exploring, and i decided i was bigender and genderfluid. i consider myself a cis girl, because that's what i was assigned at birth and i fully identify with that, but i am also kind of a guy. the word demiman works the most for me. i'm not fully a guy, not in a traditional sense. just somewhat. gender is strange.
i don't really know what the point of typing out all of this was. i guess i just wanted to talk about something deeply personal and important to me. since this journal is about my life, it feels fitting to talk about things like this.
