Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep, though not over 8 hours. Just solid.

Deciding not to be too busy today, to try to rest my back. It's not bad if I'm walking or moving around, but bad if I sit. Fine if I'm lying down.

I did plant the annuals that were waiting to be put into larger containers.

I did do normal chores.

I did go to the barn for our lesson. R talked about our freestyle feedback from YELO, which was very positive, and about how proud she was of us for all the work we put in, and me choosing to go ahead and record the freestyle pretty much immediately after Mom's service.

I've been getting a lot of positive feedback about the freestyle, which is pretty nice, to have our efforts seen by others. It's a little odd for me, to get attention like that. It's nice to finally be able to have something to show people that they can see what it is we're doing together, as Liberty work isn't always easy to explain.

I do wonder, if there will be some high expectations for freestyles in the future, but I will try to just stay true to ourselves, and see where that leads.

We had a good lesson. R had us work some more on getting lightness in the back, and working on getting lighter in the front end for turn on hind quarters.

Then I joined my Sweetie, who was at one of our "house help club" friends nearby. This couple has been our friends for a fairly long time now, we share help with projects big and small.

Today, my Sweetie was helping our friend level a big steel frame that was from a house trailer, that he is going to use to build a workshop.

I talked with his wife about her goats (commercial, sadly, though she takes admirable care of them) and she talked to me about the freestyle video which she saw on Facebook. She rides horses too, and appreciated the work that went into that routine.

I am working on taking the compliments at face value, and not doing the "oh, it's no big deal" thing, and just accepting them. River and I worked hard, so we should accept the compliments graciously.

Then we came home, ate, and my Sweetie went to bed.

profiterole_reads

The Brightness Between Us by Eliot Schrefer (Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality) was excellent. It's part sequel, part prequel to The Darkness Outside Us.

As you definitely need to go into Book 1 knowing as little as possible, I can't talk about the plot of Book 2. Let's just say that it was a pleasure to meet these characters again.

There's major m/m, minor m/nb, as well as an asexual female character.

soullessserenity

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gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Sleep, and our sweet animals.

My back in one spot was really bugging me today. Fine if I was moving around doing things, but sore if I sat for too long. It made certain tasks pretty uncomfortable. I am going stretching and such.

That said, I still had to do things to get something done.

I did more laundry, the dishes, hand washed some wool items for storage until fall.

I did speak with Trainwreck, and she actually went to a park today. She has a car now, so she went to a park, even though she could have taken the handi-van or gotten a cab before that. It's good that she's doing SOMETHING, and getting outside.

I did chores, and mowed for about an hour again with the ride on. Then I took some of the stock-piled cat litter out to the bush (it's compostable) to rejoin the circle of life.

Then I went to see River. He was snowy white and clean today.

His breathing wasn't too bad, which is nice.

I worked with him in the outdoor arena. R wants me to do the same freestyle for our small barn show, but I'm not sure. At a show, there's people and distractions, maybe wind. I've talked with her about that, because if there is any kind of wind, it's not going to be safe.

So, maybe play it by ear. Today we did some walking and trotting with the umbrella outside, and that was fine. I did stand up twice, and tossed the umbrella, and that was fine too.

Then we worked on elements of the dressage pattern.

I came home, and my Sweetie was doing a bit of work on the cupboard in the kitchen. It's not a huge job, but he literally has almost no time to do it, so he's trying to work on it for one hour after work, as long as I make supper.

I did make supper, and he had to go to bed right after we ate. Not much time for connecting with each other right now.

supermario128

Breadless Cheese Sandwich: “Lilo & Stitch 2: Hämsterviel Havoc” For Game Boy Advance

Developers: Climax Handheld Games, Firemint
Publisher: Buena Vista/Disney Interactive
Genres: Action, Platformer, Shooter, Puzzle
Release Date: 2004

We’ve seen both of these developers before on this blog. They both at one point worked on handheld games for the Nicktoons Unite series—Firemint developed “Nicktoons: Attack of the Toybots” for the Game Boy Advance and Climax Studios (they’ve gone by several names) developed both the Nintendo DS and Game Boy Advance versions of “Nicktoons Unite!” You can even see an immediate similarity between GBA “Nicktoons Unite!” and “Lilo & Stitch 2” upon opening the games and looking at the main menus—they share the same style, albeit with some minor differences here and there.

Anyway, given the mention of Hämsterviel in the title, we have ourselves a tie-in to the “Lilo & Stitch: The Series” cartoon, which served as a sequel to the “Lilo & Stitch” movie. In this cartoon, Lilo and Stitch are trying to find the other 625 experiments that Jumba created and steer them away from their original evil purposes.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: anxious

gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Decent weather. Sunny, but not too hot.

We didn't get a lot of rain from the last two days of clouds and rumbling. Some areas not far from us did. We got a little bit, at least some more water in the rain collection tanks for the garden.

I spoke with Sister S for a while. She was one of two POA for Mom, and now she's working on settling the estate.

We talked a bit about missing Mom, and I know Sister S has been thinking a lot about her own mortality, as she's had some health issues. Sometimes she makes it sound like something sinister that so many people in our family are frail, but aside from it being sad to lose them, well, we all do die. I don't see it as sinister, but it is going to be a very sad decade coming up, likely.

Yet, there are new babies being born in our family too.

I went to town, and since I wasn't planning on going to pottery today, I could dress a little nicer. I took the time to put a bit of effort into my appearance, which is nice to do for oneself.

I went to Winner's and found some summer sandals.

Then I went to get groceries, though I was a bit scattered today and ended up doing that going back and forth across the store a bit for things I forgot. Oh well, I can use the exercise.

I also got a few more plants, some are on sale. I bought a nice hanging basket for our friend, who looked after Roxy for us while I was away for Mom's service. She literally made it possible for me to go home, since my Sweetie was working 13 hour days, which would have been impossible for Roxy to be without a bathroom break and a walk outside part way through.

I am very grateful to be able to buy groceries, and to have such a good friend who took good care of Roxy.

On the way home from town, I slowed down on the highway because someone's dog was running along beside the road. I honked at it, it sort of turned off the road, and I figured the dog belonged to the farm close by.

I turned into that driveway, and made sure the dog came with me, and then talked to the owner to make sure she knew that her sweet dog was running out on the highway. The woman seemed un-surprised and unconcerned, though she thanked me for bringing him back.

Then I stopped in at our friend's yard, it's on the way home. I gave her the basket, we hung it up in her garden, and we went inside and chatted for a while.

I felt badly, but I couldn't stay very long to talk. I knew that my Sweetie was likely at home waiting, and I needed to go make him supper tonight (he asked if I could cook, and in return he would try to do something house related before going to bed).

So I went home, we unloaded the car, let the animals out to their pastures, and I did cook.

He mounted a fixture in the kitchen with his time tonight.

He got to bed in reasonable time, though it's still not enough for him to get eight hours of sleep. It's nearly impossible for him to do so on this schedule.

After he went to bed, I went back outside. I mowed for about an hour and a half and I put the water on the garden while I mowed.

haitangkitty

It's been almost a year since i got into LE SSERAFIM.I've gotten into many new kpop groups in the past year and a half but they're the only one that i have the same amount of excitement after the honeymoon phase. I would say that they're my ult group. I actually listen to their music every day i haven't gotten bored of their songs they are just so good. The members, visuals, message, lyrics, vibe, fandom - i love everything about them, they are just a very lovable group. I'm so happy that this year has been successful for them and the hate train ended. They recently published their Japanese single "Different". The new JP album will also have a single "Kawaii", that will be a title track to Netflix My Melody&Kuromi series!

Right now they have been touring in Japan and Yunjin was on a one month break because she had back issues. Luckily she is recovered now and they will continue touring: they will do two concerts in Tokyo Dome for the first time! It was actually my dream to travel to Japan to see them there but unfortunately i'm unemployed and have no savings ;_;

Watch on YouTube

I love this song! Fresh vibes for the summer. I'm only annoyed that it's so short...
Fans have already pointed out how they put a song about being different during Pride Month! They also performed it with rainbow visuals. Both Yunjin and Chaewon have showed support for the community this month (and Sakura earlier in her career).

Watch on YouTube

I had to put the English version too because the visualizer is just so amazing. I need a le sserafim game asap!

I feel like i'm at a point in kpop where i've found the artists i'm really into. I've been checking new 5th gen artists just for the excitement of something new but i feel like i've found my thing now. Before i got back into kpop last year i actually only listened/stanned SM groups and now it's almost only Hybe groups. I've talked earlier on my blog about digital minimalism and curating my social media experience and how i engage with art. Kpop can be very consumerist, fast paced, chaotic hobby if you want it to. Luckily i left twitter and i use less tiktok and i only watch edits and don't care for fanwars, South-Korea "lifestyle" or recycled discourse. I really only buy stuff i'm 100% into and i don't collect multiple versions of the same album, i just get my favorite version. I also recently joined a kpop dance cover group(my first one!) for "older" fans and it has been super fun. I've been thinking about taking more dance classes next autumn now that i got more confidence to dance.

For Rolling Stone Japan August issue. I need to get my hands on this. I started collecting physical magazines when i got into Stray Kids (been collecting magazines with Hyunjin covers). I've been slowly getting into fashion and overall appreciating and looking for different aesthetics/visuals. I recently found shoes from a thrift store i manifested: silver sneakers with pink laces!

Also the new ILLIT song that dropped today "Do The Dance" has Yunjin credited as one of the songwriters! Even though i'm not ILLIT's target audience they do have a really cute vibe and i love the magical girl concept for this comeback.

Also if you're interested in getting into Le Sserafim i recommend this site !

gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep.

My Sweetie made breakfast.

We talked a fair amount about projects, and how we might get them done this summer. Sigh. He seems like he's got the ideas fairly nailed down, but it all comes down to whether or not they can actually manifest given how little time he has to do them.

We did some laundry, changed the sheets, put away clean dishes, and then went outside to do chores.

We ended up doing a big job. I just started doing it, and he was obligated to help at that point. We cleaned up the area on the North side of the house, where the concrete deck is. Where we now have some outdoor furniture.

I wanted it all cleaned up so it's NICE to sit there, not all weedy and messy. So that I can actually relax instead of seeing a mess that needs cleaning up.

We weed whacked all the grass in that area, mowed some of the grass in hard to reach places with the push mower (for expediency, I use the ride on, but there are places it can't go easily).

We then did a serious cutting back of a willow that grows beside the house. It gets really overhanging, and interferes with the walkway and mowing. We cut it WAY back, and cleared all the crap away from the base.

We swept all the old leaves from under the stairs and off of the concrete.

Then we took all the clippings and branches and old leaf yuck out to the bush to rejoin the circle of life.

It looks MUCH better now.

Then we went inside, and though neither of us felt like it, we put the second coat of paint on in the kitchen. Finally. With Mom's death and funeral, it's been a half finished job for weeks.

Then he went to meet his friend for a bike ride, and I went to see River.

There was more storm clouds and thunder when I was at the barn, but River wasn't too worried. We did work indoors.

Once again, I had no huge agenda, but reviewed our liberty circles (and got some good, forward movement today) and backing up, and backing up with some turns, and so on.

I decided not to ride because there was some thunder, and if we got a big one, he might jump.

My Sweetie had to cut his ride a bit short, and joined me at the barn.

It did rain, though not a lot, it's something. We likely need several centimeters, MANY centimeters of rain to make up for the lack this year, and we're getting just a millimeter here and there.

We went home and put the refrigerator and island back in their proper spots (yay) and took the tape off the frames. It looks very nice.

Then we ate, watched an episode of "Fringe", and my Sweetie went to bed.

sushiflop

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gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Nice weather for raku day.

We were up in good time to arrive at raku day (has been held at the same pottery member's lovely acreage for the past few years).

My Sweetie was able to attend, and he got about 12 hours of sleep last night.

There was a good turnout, lots and lots of gorgeous items were made, and lots of fun and food.

I got to take two others for a spin in the golf cart, the pottery member has nice trails on their property.

I was pretty happy with how my pieced turned out. Pictures don't do raku justice, as there is often an interesting pattern, metallic spots, subtlety that doesn't show in images.

I seemed to cope with the social aspect a little better this year, sometimes I can almost get light-headed at all the fun and chatting. This year I enjoyed it, but it wasn't overwhelming. Maybe I'm getting more practice at gatherings like this.

I very much admire the host's home. It is lovely and gracious, uncluttered yet not stark, and so very clean and hospitable. How does anyone manage to have such a lovely home, and be such down to earth people? Really! I can never seem to manage any level of graciousness or "intentional decor".

Our place always looks like we're just kind of managing, barely.

Anyhow, the raku events took up most of our day.

Then we came home, let the animals out into their larger pastures, and had a wonderful nap on our outdoor swing that folds out into a bed.

Then we watched "Bewitched" with Nicole Kidman and Will Farrell that was sweet, funny, and pretty unchallenging.

toothpastepancake

Hey all! I've been going through a lot lately, but thankfully this time, it's not a bad going through it! What I've been going through - a transformation of sorts. I finally feel happy. I feel like season 2 episode 1 Delenn. I said in a recent update that I started a new medication that helped, and man has it been helping! Especially now. I'm in a chronic illness flare up, and I can barely get out bed or sit up without exhaustion. I think it is because I exerted myself way, way too much at the concert.

I saw my favorite band in the whole world, Bloc Party, on the seventh! It was one of the best days of my life. They mean the world to me. However, the concert and staying overnight in a hotel afterwards really killed me. I did TOO MUCH and I am PAYING THE PRICE!! Hopefully I get over this soon. It's sort of killing my ability to fandom stuff, you know, when I'm so tired all the time. But the thing is also, it doesn't really matter to me if I'm bedbound or housebound anymore? Something I've noticed is that I'm able to find happiness anywhere if I really look hard enough. Like ok, sure I can't do much, but I can still cuddle my cat and listen to audiobooks and use my laptop if I find the right position and heating pad-neck fan-neck pillow combo. You really do have to find ways to enjoy life even in the dreary moments. For some people, the existence I have right now, they would consider it a fate worse than death. But I believe disabled people can have joy, WILL have joy. I'm happy this way. SURE, it'd be great to be able to go outside and write in the front yard like I used to, but I can't get there again unless I take it easy. And even if I don't get there again? Life is still livable. Enjoyable even. You just have to know where to look.

Does that sound like toxic positivity? I hope not. Understand that I am coming from the perspective of someone who has been severely depressed since the age of five, who is now finally coming out of said depression and trying to adjust to the word around zher.

On the fandom side of things. I'm working on the roadmap for the project I outlined in a recent locked post / on Fediverse (btw if you are on there please drop me a link and I'll follow you!). I'm participating in noncon exchange and I'm really excited for that. I also got my assignment for the doubles flash today. Joined

seasons_of_fandom , even if I don't really know what I'm doing yet. And of course, with each day that passes, Battleship grows near <3 I'm so deeply excited for Battleship.

Oh, and I am running Sapphic Summer this year at

toothpastejuice ! Come check it out!

Hope you are all well.

gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Getting some sleep, and feeling better in general about things.

My family made some nice comments about the video I posted of River and I doing our freestyle.

I was able to have a less frantic day today, though I still had some feelings of "needing to get things done" earlier on.

It was brooding and overcast at our place, and though there were a lot of warnings of "extreme weather" in the form of a thunderstorm, we really didn't get much of anything.

It did rain last night, the thunderstorm was supposed to be today (in some areas, they got a ton of rain and some hail, we didn't).

I did the dishes, some more laundry, and then talked more chit chat with Trainwreck that was fine.

Then I went outside and did chores, and pulled weeds for about two hours.

At one point, Roxy had moseyed over to our neighbor's place, likely because they have a young dog who makes a lot of noise. She came back when I called her, but that's a huge no-no.

So, now I have to really be on her about that. She's so sneaky about it, too. You're doing something in the yard, you look up and she's lying down nearby. Look again and she's asleep. Look again, and..where the heck did she go?

After that I went to the riding barn, though at that point it might storm, might not.

River was in a good mood, his breathing wasn't too bad. I had no big agenda today, so I worked on backing up since he was sticky with that a while ago, and yields in general, some stationary circles, and then I rode for a little while. In general he was very in tune today, and soft to the cues.

All the while, it was rumbling outside, but it didn't do much more than that.

My Sweetie came after work, there was a big mess at his job site today where the welders messed up, and ruined a piece of steel worth about $75,000. My husband was working on finding another similar piece to replace it, but the soonest they can get one is next week (not really that surprising), but this will literally hold up the finishing of the project, since just about everything else is done.

He remembered that we should bring something to raku day tomorrow, so he bought a veggie and a fruit tray and crackers.

He also brought some "low sugar" drinks for me, but he forgets that I don't want soda with artificial sweetener, just those ones that are more or less soda water with a bit of fruit juice, no fake sugar that messes with my blood sugar.

I feel bad, because he's really trying to be helpful, but he doesn't seem to know to check. Usually when drinks say "lite" or whatever, it's because they used artificial sweeteners.

It annoys me a bit, because I've been pretty clear about what I can drink for soda. I've only bought the flavored water now for years.

We came home from the barn, with dark (ultimately impotent) clouds glowering everywhere, so we just went inside.

I had hoped we could watch a movie, but my Sweetie went to bed as soon as we got in the house, around 7:30 pm. He's been short on sleep for about a month.

I may watch something yet, on my own.

gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Cool, overcast skies. I truly want it to rain.

Some sleep.

Today was still a day of being dysregulated about my Sweetie. It's a personal thing, and it wasn't a "fight" per se, but anyone who has been married/partnered knows how people can be upset with each other over something that isn't so much "wrong" as "wow, do you really do that?".

It can be hard for me to know what I want to have happen in these situations, or if I SHOULD want something to happen, as in, am I being a control freak or is this a legit thing to be upset about?

So much of how I felt also came from how hard this month has been, and how much I needed to just come home and be with my Sweetie in an uncomplicated way, and this came along.

Well, I imagine we'll survive, but it can still suck.

I didn't do much with my day, but I did go to the town where our mail box is, get the mail, and pay all the bills that were piling up in there. For about a year now it has been my Sweetie's job, then he got assigned to a different location for work, isn't going right past it anymore in his commute, and hasn't been getting the mail, but also didn't let me know that he wasn't getting the mail until yesterday.

So, I was also annoyed about that, because if he had just asked if I could do it, I would have, instead of letting it sit so long that we risk bills being overdue.

I then went to some thrift stores, and found a stunning black dress that is a fitted cheongsam style, but it actually fits me, and I am I big, sturdy woman. Usually dresses like that are made for teeny tiny women with no curves.

So, SCORE!!!

I picked up some groceries on the way out of town, though again annoyed at teenagers in sporty little cars ripping around the parking lot like we were in Fast and Furious. Seriously, why would you do that in a parking lot? They are terrible places at the best of times, with people pushing carts, little kids, slow people, and cars pulling out unexpectedly.

I am still grateful to be able to do my errands today, to pay our bills and buy food, and to have a car in good working order to do so. I'm grateful for my health, and yes, for my husband too.

I went home, and decided to try to at least end the day with him on a better note, so that both of us could sit and talk and he could get some sleep tonight.

I tried on the dress for him, and he gave it the thumbs up, so that's nice.

I hope it rains tonight, a good, heavy, rain. Not just more bluster.

supermario128

Features Real Movie Clips!: “Lilo & Stitch” For Game Boy Advance

Developer: Digital Eclipse Software
Publisher: Disney Interactive
Genres: Action, Shooter
Release Date: 2002

Unlike the PlayStation version for the “Lilo & Stitch” movie, the Game Boy Advance tie-in doesn’t have a subtitle for any language; so it’s just called “Lilo & Stitch”.

This concludes all the interesting prelude I can think of for this game.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: drained

gottawonder

A question for you...

Where, this week, did you have trouble saying "no"?

Why did you say "yes", if what you wanted, was to say "no"?

I thought this was a very useful thought, by Gabor Mate.

gottawonder

Today we recorded a video of River and I, doing our freestyle program that I used for YELO's online competition.

I worked on this all winter, getting River used to the umbrella, riding him with it open first walking, then trotting.

It took a long time and a lot of nerve for me to stand up on him, to get him to tolerate the umbrella being held against his body while I stood up (because there's no way I could get myself standing with only one hand, so I had to use both hands, and still hold the umbrella in one hand, and the umbrella bumps him, and this is a horse trained to move away from something bumping him).

Though I knew what music I had wanted from the beginning, as that's where the whole theme came from, I had to edit it to fit the two songs together, and to work with it so that the "crescendo" fairly equally divided the mounted part and the part where I'm on the ground with him.

I had to find a raincoat, and had to make sure it would sit on me correctly while mounted, without having a lot of jangly hardware on it.

I had to find an umbrella (thrift store) that would hold up to me using it all winter for practice and tossing it on the ground and maybe getting stepped on a bit over and over again.

I finally had to firm up things, bringing various elements together into something that made sense and worked with the music.

I had to figure out how to make the "lamp posts" using garden lights, a section of PVC pipe and taping that together, and a ten pound weight at the bottom that you can't see for the sand, to keep it from falling over.

The part at the end where I'm on the ground and he's trotting around me is considered an advanced type of Liberty, because I am not doing anything at all, standing perfectly still, and River is trotting around me. Leading up to this, most of the time a handler has to draw the horse into a circle by kind of walking backwards and "leading" them, or by kind of walking forward with them.

So that's the work and planning that goes into making a slightly less than five minute long freestyle video.

https://youtu.be/9sbOrW8uhqE?si=cmf41KQbjfUtggpD

gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

The riding barn, how R manages to bring out the best in me, and the positive atmosphere.

For loving little critters to snuggle with.

Beautiful birds everywhere in summer abundance. Gold finches.

I'm going to be straight up, today was one of those wasted, bullshit kind of days.

I won't go into things too much, but last night there was just disappointment in my Sweetie, whether or not it was really something THAT bad, or if it was just my reaction. I was just not impressed.

So, of course that meant that we stayed up to hash things out a bit, which did lead to some progress, but not really erasing all disappointment. It meant that my Sweetie got very little sleep before work, and that I didn't sleep well, and that it just tainted everything.

It left me feeling emotionally bankrupt today, completely unwilling to bother doing anything besides the absolute necessary animal care.

Yes, I was also worn out and emotionally overloaded from recent events too, which maybe made things harder, but maybe I would actually have been much more reactive instead of merely kind of numb and disappointed.

I still don't know how to feel about things, as I realize that "normal" can mean a lot of different things, and intention is very different from result.

So, I spent the day brooding and tired, and wondering how a person gets on with things, or if we need to really look at what exactly we're doing here, and if there's a way to make things better.

I spoke with my friend D, who is very supportive, but sometimes a little too eager to burn the world to the ground.

I do want to try talking with a therapist, not so much about my Sweetie, but many, many things. I don't even know what goal I have in mind, other than maybe not being absolutely drained every day of my life by enormous emotions, baggage, and feeling like I have become a passive observer of my own life.

No progress has been made on the pig at large. Our neighbor chased it out of his yard again today. I talked with the local authorities, but they said that because I had not personally seen this pig, nor had any firsthand knowledge of any other animals still being on the property seized by the bank, that they could not do anything.

So, I texted our neighbor and told him that he needed to make his own report, since he had firsthand information (as I mentioned yesterday, he seemed reluctant to make a report, no idea why).

So, after a super shitty day emotionally, I did necessary chores, girded my metaphorical loins, and went to the barn for our lesson day.

Today we recorded the freestyle, after working on aspects of it for most of the winter.

It's been a real process, though it looks kind of simple. I will explain it better in a separate post with a video.

We got our video, and I was pretty happy with it. We did it in one take, which is pretty remarkable.

So, it did not take up my class time, but the incredible energy that went into getting the video, and the complete limpness of afterwards, meant that there wasn't any point in trying to do other work.

R recognized my state of burnout, so we took some pretty pictures of River at a few places on the property, since he was so clean and pretty today.

Then I came home, to find my Sweetie already in bed, but we still needed to talk.

I know it means another night of not enough sleep for him, but you cannot just go to bed without trying to address issues that need discussion.

So we did, and a bit more progress was made, but there are other things to be addressed as well, very old longstanding things like "how the heck are we going to get anything done on the house if you're working these crazy hours" and from his point of view "I feel like you're angry at me most of the time".

We did watch the video from our lesson today, and he thought we did a good job.

So, there you go. I would love to find a way forward in my life that doesn't mean feeling so tired all the time.

adore

Moontime began today. I've got tea, pain relief cream, and some cloth pads as extra backup while I use period underwear.

My well-meaning friend, Sre, messaged me saying that she was sorry if this would bring up any negative feelings for me, but she knew mid-20th-century writers are my jam, and would help me shop for them when she was in my city. She attached a picture, and I didn't process it correctly at first, because it was a shelf full of Persephone Books. I assumed it was a picture from Persephone Books themselves, since they have a store full of shelves of just their books. I thought she was offering to buy one for me and bring it with her when she came here. I told her that she was sweet, and right about them being my jam, and also that after years of being unable to pick up a book without pain related to the bookstore that broke my heart, referred to on this journal as Spinebreaker, it was books like these–Virago green books that were out of print, and Persephone Books which are unavailable in my country, that helped me read again, specifically because I knew Spinebreaker would never be able to stock them. The owner had said that she was trying to bring Persephone Books to her store and wasn't able to get distribution here, and that was a few years ago.

Sre said she didn't know getting them here had been a challenge–and that's when I realise that the picture she had sent me was of Persephone Books stocked in Spinebreaker, and that's when I realise that she didn't know that I didn't clock it.

I've posted here before about moments when I was at risk of relapsing and didn't, and how far I've come and all that. Well... this particular moment is a struggle for me. I've been struggling with sorrow, suffocating waves of them, because... this is a bit like that moment when I visited Spinebreaker for the first time, saw Barbara Comyns on the shelves, and thought it must be A Sign because I had never seen her books here before. A whole shelf of just Persephone Books, in MY COUNTRY not to mention my city? It seems like a miracle. It was something I didn't think was realistic. Just like that whole damned bookstore, just like seeing Barbara Comyns stocked there, just like the chance to work there... it was just never realistic.

At the moment, I happen to be reading Amelia's Intrigue by Judith A. Lansdowne. It's sweet, gentle, cosy, funny and endearing. A perfect comfort reading. It's also out of print so Spinebreaker can never stock it, so there. I'm enjoying it.

When I was bringing myself back into reading I picked up books that would never be stocked at Spinebreaker, or so I thought. Books the owner couldn't get, books that were out of print, and books that were independently published or books she doesn't want to put on her shelves. I got to read some amazing indie books by friends on DW. I also bounced off quite a few books that are made for the indie market but not made for me, just not the sorts of books I enjoy.

The thing is, I imprinted so hard on Spinebreaker because of the books in it. I identified with it so hard because of how it's curated. This means that a book that is stocked there is highly likely to be a book I'll enjoy and a book that's not stocked there is not likely to be a book I'll enjoy. That sucks. But it is what it is.

I have to be okay reading books that are also stocked in Spinebreaker. I have to enjoy them without pausing for pain. I have to get to that point, and I guess I'm frustrated that I'm not there, that I've not healed completely so that there's no chance of feeling all that hurt all over again. It's also the kind of thing that very few of my friends IRL understand, because it just seems trivial to them, like they don't understand why it's been affecting me so much. So I'm glad I can journal about it here.

I'm touched that Sre thought of me when she saw the sorts of books I love, so I don't resent her bringing this up. I would have found out eventually. Because most people I know, including my closest friends, go there regularly and they have talked about the books they've gotten there without me feeling like this because those were books that were accessible otherwise as well, and available elsewhere. But I bet I would have heard about these at some point.

Sre said she could take me to Spinebreaker when she's in my city, if it would help me if she's there. I thanked her and told her I'd rather not go as I don't feel welcome there. I mean, the owner blocked me, lol. She said that instead she could go buy me a Persephone Book from there, but I really don't want to give Spinebreaker any money. Since all of the authors of Persephone Books are dead, I'll pirate them if I can't access them any other way. I love the publisher though and will buy their ebooks when possible; they don't publish most of their books as ebooks, which I think is a pity, but they do have a few in ebook format. I bought Diana Tutton's Guard Your Daughters that way, and of course they've made Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day by Winifred Watson available as an ebook, since it's their star title.

Current Mood: sad

sushiflop

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gottawonder

Today I am grateful for:

Sleep in our own bed, where I have our sweet kitties, and privacy.

To get up and make food the way I like it, without wondering what's available or what compromises I may have to make.

Being able to rot my brain on the computer as one does.

Today then went on to be quite busy again, trying to catch up on everything. As I've said, it is very strange to just carry on with laundry and such mundane tasks.

I put away dishes, fed critters, changed the cat litter, did water exchange for the turtle, vacuumed the area rugs, did two loads of laundry and some hand washing, took everything out of luggage and put it back where it belonged.

Somewhere in there I talked with Trainwreck, and it was just chit chat. Like I said, better if she's sober. She had an appointment to get new glasses, which I know she has not done for a very long time. Good that she's doing some self care.

Then I went outside, and did chores, then tried to water the garden again (ran out of water in the big rainwater tank after about half an hour. We need rain.), and pulled some weeds out of a mulched area that frustrates me because the whole point of the bark mulch was to have very few weeds, but there are LOTS of Canada Thistle in the mulch.

Then I went to the barn to see River, I've missed him so much.

It's been smokey and hot, so again not fantastic for his energy and breathing.

My Sweetie met up with me at the barn, and stayed while we worked, which is great.

I worked on my freestyle, which I have barely done for weeks, and I guess tomorrow is when we need to record it. Today's work was good to reacquaint me with it, and at some point we just have to go for it, I guess.

The we came home, let everyone out into their pastures for a while, and mowed the tall grass inside the round pen, raked up the ginormous amount of clippings, and took them away to the creek edge.

While we were doing that, our next door neighbor came over to let us know that there was a big pig running loose.

There is a farm (kind of, not a GOOD farm, kind of a BS rinky dink set-up) that I guess was sold, but according to our neighbor, there are animals left behind. No idea if anyone is taking care of them, but it's looking like they've been just set loose to fend for themselves.

He saw the pig in his yard twice today, and scared it off with his .22, but who knows what this pig is like. Is he pretty friendly and used to people, or is he going to get more aggressive if he gets hungry?

So, that's not good. For one, it would terrify my animals if it were in our yard.

I am going to try to make some phone calls tomorrow, to see if it's ANYONE'S job to look into the situation, but I imagine I will get some kind of BS like "call us if it's in your yard" or "let us know if you can catch it".

I know our neighbor is going to just shoot it if he can, but I wonder if there's a way for the authorities to capture it? Probably all they would have to do is shake a pail full of mash at it, and it would follow them into a pen.

That said, a pig CANNOT be allowed to roam. We already have a feral pig problem, and they certainly can be dangerous and destructive.

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June 2025

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that good old fashioned razzmatazz

Reading

Wednesday, June 19

The Brightness Between Us by Eliot Schrefer

Belated Rambles, Birthday Stuff

Tuesday, June 17