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I feel really strange lately. I guess I'm just bored, which must have something to do with this awful monotony I've settled into. I promised myself I would do something productive today. Surprising no one, I didn't.
I feel kind of. Eh. It's not that hollow, emptiness I feel with my depression. But I do feel tired and unmotivated and I don't know how to fix that. I know, from experience, that once I force myself to do something it's not longer as hard to do it the second time. But the idea of facing that to-do list I made for myself last night is... intimidating. I feel stupid. I don't understand why existing is so hard for me. I guess I just wish I was a normal person. I'm sorry that this post is so bitter, I don't even feel particularly bad right now, but I guess I needed to let those feelings out. Maybe that'll help me be more productive before I have to go to bed. The idea of opening my emails right now and facing my responsibilities makes me feel like I'm going to choke but I'll be fine.
It's very comforting that almost none of my friends are here so I don't have to worry about them finding my embarrassing vents. Sometimes I feel ashamed of talking about my mental illness to them, because I don't think they get it. Don't get me wrong, my friends all have their fair share of mental disorders, and many of them have struggled with depression. But no one I know is as isolated as I am. All my friends are people I've met online, with lives outside of the internet. Meanwhile I haven't had any real friends IRL since I was like... 15. And even then, those friendships were not very meaningful. It's frustrating that I feel like I can't talk about loneliness or the way it feels like I can't get better no matter how hard I try without feeling out of place. It's not their fault they don't get those feelings, I'm glad they don't. I love them and I wouldn't want them to go through that. But it's shitty.
I swear, I'm doing better than I was last year, and I don't even feel all that bad as I type this. But these thoughts have been with me for a while and I guess I wanted to share them with someone. Which I guess in this case could be anyone. Or no one. Who knows. Probably no one.
I think my friends also don't understand how debilitating my mental illnesses are. I'm the least functional person I know, to an extent where I genuinely depend on my family for most things. And that sucks, right? I understand it's not my fault that my brain is broken, but there's a very inherent embarrassment to not being able to do things for yourself. It doesn't help that my family is... not super functional either.
But I'll be fine, I think. I've been making progress and there's still things I can do to improve myself. Right now just getting out of bed and drinking water is enough, I suppose.
Side note, this website is pretty cool. I've been having fun clicking the random journal option or looking at the latest posts. I still feel super out of place but I guess that's not a bad thing. There's something cozy about this place.
I feel kind of. Eh. It's not that hollow, emptiness I feel with my depression. But I do feel tired and unmotivated and I don't know how to fix that. I know, from experience, that once I force myself to do something it's not longer as hard to do it the second time. But the idea of facing that to-do list I made for myself last night is... intimidating. I feel stupid. I don't understand why existing is so hard for me. I guess I just wish I was a normal person. I'm sorry that this post is so bitter, I don't even feel particularly bad right now, but I guess I needed to let those feelings out. Maybe that'll help me be more productive before I have to go to bed. The idea of opening my emails right now and facing my responsibilities makes me feel like I'm going to choke but I'll be fine.
It's very comforting that almost none of my friends are here so I don't have to worry about them finding my embarrassing vents. Sometimes I feel ashamed of talking about my mental illness to them, because I don't think they get it. Don't get me wrong, my friends all have their fair share of mental disorders, and many of them have struggled with depression. But no one I know is as isolated as I am. All my friends are people I've met online, with lives outside of the internet. Meanwhile I haven't had any real friends IRL since I was like... 15. And even then, those friendships were not very meaningful. It's frustrating that I feel like I can't talk about loneliness or the way it feels like I can't get better no matter how hard I try without feeling out of place. It's not their fault they don't get those feelings, I'm glad they don't. I love them and I wouldn't want them to go through that. But it's shitty.
I swear, I'm doing better than I was last year, and I don't even feel all that bad as I type this. But these thoughts have been with me for a while and I guess I wanted to share them with someone. Which I guess in this case could be anyone. Or no one. Who knows. Probably no one.
I think my friends also don't understand how debilitating my mental illnesses are. I'm the least functional person I know, to an extent where I genuinely depend on my family for most things. And that sucks, right? I understand it's not my fault that my brain is broken, but there's a very inherent embarrassment to not being able to do things for yourself. It doesn't help that my family is... not super functional either.
But I'll be fine, I think. I've been making progress and there's still things I can do to improve myself. Right now just getting out of bed and drinking water is enough, I suppose.
Side note, this website is pretty cool. I've been having fun clicking the random journal option or looking at the latest posts. I still feel super out of place but I guess that's not a bad thing. There's something cozy about this place.
