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Aug. 19th, 2025 07:57 pm. hi! its been a really long time, but i really want to get back to posting.
i haven't been doing great, to be honest. my ocd has spiraled out of control in the last few days and i've just now started to feel more grounded. thoughts about what happens after death, if i'm a terrible person, about my ex friend, all kinda happening at the same time and ugh. it was overwhelming.
i'm kinda done with the thoughts about being a bad person. they don't feel as strong anymore. but the death thoughts are still there and they make me really uncomfortable. i am going to die some day. that is so fucking unnerving to think of. i wish an afterlife was guaranteed... it would give me a lot of peace of mind to be honest.
it doesn't matter if there is or isn't though. not right now, at least. i am here for now. so i have to make the best life i can.
i think spirituality would probably ease my anxieties a bit, because i do tend to feel connected to spiritual ideas, but there's always uncertainty and i wish i could... not care.i have a friend who is convinced of his religious beliefs and i envy him for it, really. i hate the thought of leaving this behind. i like existing! i do not want to stop doing this. but a part of me says that this is all there is. that once i die it all goes poof. and that's it. and i guess that's not too bad? nothingness is neither good nor bad, i wont even feel it, but thats the scary thing isnt it? how can *i* not exist? its impossible to imagine.
i tell myself it'll be just like going to sleep. i know that's not it, but it's the closest thing i can think of.
i have hopes for... something. i dont know what. something beyond the physical. an afterlife sounds beautiful to me. but just because it sounds beautiful... doesnt mean its true.
being said, i guess if there really is nothing, theres no harm in exploring whatever ideas make sense to me though. and at least i'll die feeling more at peace if i really do end up believing in something of the sort.
i haven't been doing great, to be honest. my ocd has spiraled out of control in the last few days and i've just now started to feel more grounded. thoughts about what happens after death, if i'm a terrible person, about my ex friend, all kinda happening at the same time and ugh. it was overwhelming.
i'm kinda done with the thoughts about being a bad person. they don't feel as strong anymore. but the death thoughts are still there and they make me really uncomfortable. i am going to die some day. that is so fucking unnerving to think of. i wish an afterlife was guaranteed... it would give me a lot of peace of mind to be honest.
it doesn't matter if there is or isn't though. not right now, at least. i am here for now. so i have to make the best life i can.
i think spirituality would probably ease my anxieties a bit, because i do tend to feel connected to spiritual ideas, but there's always uncertainty and i wish i could... not care.i have a friend who is convinced of his religious beliefs and i envy him for it, really. i hate the thought of leaving this behind. i like existing! i do not want to stop doing this. but a part of me says that this is all there is. that once i die it all goes poof. and that's it. and i guess that's not too bad? nothingness is neither good nor bad, i wont even feel it, but thats the scary thing isnt it? how can *i* not exist? its impossible to imagine.
i tell myself it'll be just like going to sleep. i know that's not it, but it's the closest thing i can think of.
i have hopes for... something. i dont know what. something beyond the physical. an afterlife sounds beautiful to me. but just because it sounds beautiful... doesnt mean its true.
being said, i guess if there really is nothing, theres no harm in exploring whatever ideas make sense to me though. and at least i'll die feeling more at peace if i really do end up believing in something of the sort.
