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Today is another night of me thinking too much.
I've been thinking a lot about my inability to make friends irl. This wasn't caused by any particular reason, it was a lot of things. But no matter the reason, it feels really shitty. I've been thinking a lot about what I want for my future in terms of my relationships and I don't know, I'm really scared I'm never going to stop being lonely.
I want to fix my life so desperately, but there are So many areas that trouble me and I feel super overwhelmed thinking about trying to tackle all that. Hopefully I will see my therapist soon and she'll help me get my thoughts in order.
Right now I just want to focus on maybe becoming more productive? I think just doing that will help me feel so much better.
TW:grooming
Coming back to the relationship topic, I've been thinking a lot about dating and what I would like in a partner. And I've come to the really awful realization that I think the person I've loved the most (romantically) was my first partner. I was 14, they were 19. It took me a really long time to process that what happened was wrong, but I think one of the worst parts about it is that's still one of the most intense and meaningful bonds I've experienced. And it just... feels awful that my most important connection was with someone who liked me in the most awful of ways. I miss feeling what I felt then, I just really wish I could feel it with someone else and in a completely different context.
I've been thinking a lot about my inability to make friends irl. This wasn't caused by any particular reason, it was a lot of things. But no matter the reason, it feels really shitty. I've been thinking a lot about what I want for my future in terms of my relationships and I don't know, I'm really scared I'm never going to stop being lonely.
I want to fix my life so desperately, but there are So many areas that trouble me and I feel super overwhelmed thinking about trying to tackle all that. Hopefully I will see my therapist soon and she'll help me get my thoughts in order.
Right now I just want to focus on maybe becoming more productive? I think just doing that will help me feel so much better.
TW:grooming
Coming back to the relationship topic, I've been thinking a lot about dating and what I would like in a partner. And I've come to the really awful realization that I think the person I've loved the most (romantically) was my first partner. I was 14, they were 19. It took me a really long time to process that what happened was wrong, but I think one of the worst parts about it is that's still one of the most intense and meaningful bonds I've experienced. And it just... feels awful that my most important connection was with someone who liked me in the most awful of ways. I miss feeling what I felt then, I just really wish I could feel it with someone else and in a completely different context.
