leejooheon | (no subject)

i just had a really bad experience. i'm finding it really hard to describe what even happened but i'll try my best to contextualize everything.

i do not like my extended family. i have some affection for them, i suppose, but i've felt disconnected from them for years.

i am like, 80% sure i'm autistic. and probably because of it, at least in part, i tend to behave, well, weird. i don't know how to navigate socialization really well, i make weird facial expressions without meaning to, and so on.

today my cousin started making fun of me for... something? i don't know why because i wasn't paying attention. that sounds silly, but when i spend time with my family i disconnect and am mostly in my head. so i legitimately don't know what started it, but at some moment i realized he was laughing at me and it kept going and going and it got really stressful because other people joined in. i managed to get away due to faking a migraine, and even then someone made a mean comment towards me before i left. i can only assume this is because i acted weird at some point.

i feel so incredibly upset by this. i thought i had learned to censor my weirder behaviors but clearly i haven't, and something about that feels so humiliating and embarrassing. but i am also tired of pretending i am okay with this and making myself small for the sake of politeness. i am going low contact with my extended family. i have made up my mind.