having a hard day

[leejooheon]

i give up.

i have, once again, fallen down the toxic habit of trying to hunt down my groomer online. for what purpose? i don't know. i guess i just... really want to know what they're up to. keeping an eye on them feels like it would give me a sense of security.

but i cannot find anything meaningful, and i feel like an idiot for being so obsessed. i feel genuinely terrible everytime i think of them. i keep having fantasies about ruining their life by making everyone aware of the kind of shitty person they were. but that's not going to happen. i need to find closure some other way. i need to move the fuck on, do something more productive with my feelings than... this.

i hope wherever they are, they feel like fucking shit about themselves. i hope the thought of me makes them sick with guilt. but if i can't have that, and i can't, i need to still find a way to be happy.

Comments

[adore]

anger is really difficult to find a release for, isn't it :( and anger is there for a reason – to tell us that we've been wronged – so it has an important purpose. but it's after that that anger stops being healthy because now we have to grapple with what to DO about it.

i hope you're able to find an outlet. mine is poledancing, and i'm looking into joining self-defence classes too. i'm hoping it'll be shouty and punchy and a good release.

[leejooheon]

those do sound like good outlets! i guess i'll have to find mine in some way.